It's not often I can remove myself from my life, my circumstances, my stresses and dramas and decisions. But sometimes, when I get out of my head- I can think from a detached place of what my future may hold and what that means for me now. Often, it's depressing to me so I try not to do it too much :-) But...it's fascinating nonetheless and I think it can have great impact on how I live my life if I can learn from it and let it change my future.
The depressing stuff: in 100 years, I will be gone. Maybe sooner but I'd like to not think by too much :-) I will be gone and the people I love the most will be gone. My daughter will likely be gone. My grandchildren may be gone. That's crazy to me. It's crazy to me that anyone and everyone I have ever touched with my love or my humor or my work will be gone. It's freakin depressing, too. I thought of this today as I noticed a home for the elderly off of the freeway. I thought about myself someday in a home for the elderly and assumed that would mean I was elderly. Can I become elderly? Shit, I guess I can. Wow. How bizarre. And we know what happens after elderly........and that's where my mind went.
What's it all mean? Does it mean I can somehow try and forge a name for myself that goes beyond just the closest people I love? Can I be remembered for other good deeds and acts that will go down through the decades perhaps to strangers and people I will never come to know? I'd like to think so. And I have a few ideas about that. :-)
Or...will I pass through this Earth and this life like the sand that fell through my fingertips today while I was at the beach? When I die and when my daughter dies, will anyone still talk about my father who left us three years ago? Is that just how life is...and if so, what and how does it serve a greater plan?
It's so strange to think about these things and then think "Ok then, what's for dinner?". From such macro concepts to such daily micro concepts. But isn't it a compilation of all of those micro concepts that create our life? When I get lost in the micro concepts and the dramas, it is useful to me to think about the greater life. My dad used to tell me that there isn't a person who hasn't felt what I was feeling in the past or a person some time in the future who won't experience what I was experiencing. It would somehow always make me feel like a greater collective; and feeling part of a greater and a bigger thing always soothed me. It still does.
Another very big lesson I learned about life was when my father passed away. In the days after his death, I felt like I was stuck in time. I was stuck in this horrible and cruel joke. Time stood still. We all went into action to take care of all the details you take care of when someone passes. There was a time when I noticed: the world didn't stop. I was in jell-o...but the world was still going. Meetings at my work were still happening without me. People were still stopping at red lights and going at green ones. Food was still being served at restaurants. Bills still had to be paid. Oh my God. The world was so cruel.
In the end, it made me more compassionate. People are around us EVERYWHERE stuck in jell-o. A family death, a breakup, a divorce, a job loss...you name it. People are suffering around us. It's not just all.about.us..
The experiences of the greater collective; the sufferings and the joys- bring us to our generation. I feel a camaraderie with people I see sometimes. Old people and new babies. These people are sharing the same space, time and experiences in this life and Earth as I am. That's pretty special. At least I sure think it is.
I feel God eventually reveals everything we need to know if we sit in the stillness and let Him. When He does, it is then in our hands to decide how to handle the given situation with the information that we have.We can learn from what we have been taught and move into action...or we can choose to ignore it and continue treading water in the same circumstance. We have free will. We can only do what we can do with the resources and knowledge we are given. That's one of my answers: wait for my purpose to be revealed. And when it is...go into it head on and with full intention. I have had a bit of that recently and it involves greater education so that I can serve my purpose. I am scared of that; it will change my life and I thought my life was pretty sweet and comfy as is. :-)
But stagnant and happy are often places of attraction for change from the Universe. Time to shake it up. Time to be remembered. Time to make an impact.
Time to be more than sand in the wind.
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