The Truth or Illusion

This is why I love psychology. This was a simple sentence out of a somewhat interesting chapter on social psychology written by the author of the book. It was not said by a great philosopher or past American president. Just a simple line in a textbook. But it hit me like a hammer to the head:

"does happiness come from knowing the truth, or from preserving illusions?"

Do not we all want to say: well, that's simple. Knowing the truth. In society, great emphasis lies on knowing and speaking The Truth.

We tell our children not to lie.

We condemn people to a lifetime in prison (or death) if we perceive injustice or mis truth, or if a person is convicted of withholding truth in a court of law.

We can be fired from our jobs for lying and stealing (a form of lying).

We are told to seek redemption when we lie.

We can even be classified as having a mental disorder if we are a habitual liar.

Let me challenge The Truth. Is the picture you see below a lie or an illusion (I'll give you a hint: one of each)?

Is this artist a master manipulator and liar or an illusionist?

Does the product on the left realllly get a man the effect on the right?

Our society is duplicitous when it comes to The Truth and illusion. While we preach to be natural and love our bodies, and let-it-all-hang-out-because-anyone-who-loves-us-will-love-us-the-way-we-are, we at the same time are over crowding our gyms, young women are under feeding themselves, and we see ads such as the first picture as our non existent ideal of beauty.

We have made the magician above a multi millionaire based on his talent of telling us lies. We walk into the theatre where he is performing, knowing full well we are about to be lied to. And we pay for it. Illusion is a form of escape and surrealism. We are infatuated by it and will crowd show after show to get a taste of a well executed series of "lies". But wait; liars are bad, right? Well...not if everyone knows they're lying and pays for it.

Huh?

Men are told that if they wear a (most obnoxious) scent, young beautiful women will flock to them in a rather automatic and senseless response. I personally figure the reason the woman above is motioning for the man who is wearing that crap to 'call her' is because she can't stand to smell it on him in person. Doubt that's what the advertisers were going for.  :)

Most anyone in our society will agree that lying for the purpose of malfeasance is "bad". And yes, I agree. But my point here is that we do it all of the time. To ourselves, about ourselves, to each other. We make illusions of our ideals in everything. Everything. And what personifies The Truth to you may not be The Truth for me. Your Truth may be my illusion.

Is it better, than, to be content in illusion? Ignorance is bliss? Yes- that model above on the right is actually the way that woman looks, yes the magician is sawing helpless women in half, and yes of course wearing that spray will get you girls. The problem is- our children believe this without the proper guidance. Illusion over Truth and reality.

It is The Truth that I can't answer the bolded quote above. I'd like to say what I have been raised to say: always tell the truth. Of course. But how is that possible in a world of illusion?

Take Plato's allegory of the cave. The people in the cave who saw their own shadows dancing on the walls did not know that what they saw were their own shadows because they had no point of reference. To them, The Truth was that those shadows were whatever they construed them to be. In their minds, that was The Truth. To others, it is evident that shadows are an illusion.

The Truth or preserving illusions. What causes you greater happiness?

Necessary Evil

I am a bit of a geek. I like the Batman movies but I can't figure out if that's just because of Christian Bale (:-)). Probably, but that doesn't explain why I also like Superman, Spider Man, etc. I digress...

The latest villian in the Dark Knight series, Bane, had a line that spun my mind into analytical psychologist mode. It was in a confrontation with Batman in which Christian Bale (I mean Batman ;)) growled that Bane is "pure evil". Bane replied simply:

"I am not pure evil,
I am necessary evil."

Wow.
If I had to classify the character of Mr. Bane in the DSM, I'd say he was an antisocial psychopath. Of course, The Dark Knight Rises was said to be of the most "dark" in the trilogy and I found this to be true. The Bane character really took psychosis and superheroes to a new level beyond a creepy joker or a guy who thought he was a scarecrow. Bane is a scarred human being who at one point had the capacity to empathize and truly love. Besides the obvious villainous strength, Bane is witty, well spoken, extraordinarily manipulative, and in a very non-positive way, genius. Many antisocial individuals are. It's sort of part and parcel with having the foresight and capacity to plan and execute the terribly destructive actions that they commit.

So back to the concept of necessariy evil. My question is: is there such a thing as necessary evil? I think back to the Biblical story of Noah's Ark. Perfect example of what we can call: necessary evil. I doubt many Christians would like the taste of that concept but would God not agree that destroying civilization, of whom had imploded on itself, in order to bring new life and order- was "necessary"? He likely would. Similar in concept, I wonder if the apple tree in the Garden of Eden was also not a "necessary evil". It was placed in the Garden as a deterrent and a true test of man's faith in God. It was "necessary" for this to be proven. Hmm.

Can we recognize true goodness without evil? Can true goodness stand on its own accord if not being compared to negativity? I think so. I think a person can be "good" without the very nature of their goodness being based on the ideal that they are not "bad".
But I also think the tendency Americans have to band together in the face of a true crisis, is a case against this. It is like something needs to threaten our homes, families, livelihoods, in order for us to be truly good.

Similarly, this was Bane's master plan: destroy mankind from the soul outward- by manipulating the citizens to believe in a hope that was non existent. The idea of destroying someone psychologically and on a soul level rather than on a physical level is a very dark and disturbing concept. To break a human's spirit is to truly torture. The body is a shell that can be repaired or die. But a broken spirit resonates on every cellular level within that body and can literally poison a person from the inside
out.

Can there be a black without a white? Can there be a Yin without a Yang? Can there be good without evil? And if so, does "evil" then become...
Necessary? If so, by whom? What...or who decides this?

If so, this is a slippery and very dangerous slope.
Because I believe we are born inherently GOOD...it is not my belief that the good is only ratified in the face of bad.
Good exists because it is homeostatic. In nature, as in human beings. We strive toward good. Not toward evil. We don't need evil to prove we are good. It is not...
Necessary.

Sorry, Bane. You lose.

RW Emerson

finish each day and be done

with it. you have done what you

could. some blunders and

absurdities have crept in;

forget them as soon as you can.

tomorrow is a new day. you shall

begin it serenely and with too

high a spirit to be encumbered

with your old nonsense.

-emerson

A few things I really appreciate about this. First, the person I recently sent it to.

Second, I love that this quote blames no one. It allows a person to take responsibility for whatever may have happened through the course of the day. It blames the nonsense and absurdities on no one. It points no fingers. It directs inward. There is no 'poor me', or comments on what the world owes this person for the blunders they experienced. It is empowering in that we are granted a new day, each day, to let God fulfill His plan through us by learning from our mistakes and moving forward.

Finally, I love the idea that tomorrow brings with it a sense of new hope. New beginnings, new sunrises, fresh hope, and high spirits. A serene spirit. It is hopeful and positive. Optimistic, not pessimistic. Forgiving, not condemning. Encouraging, not humiliating. Genuine, not concocted. Decisive, not lingering.

It is all of the things people around us that we let into our lives should be for us. But most of all, and of the highest importance, it is who we should be to ourselves.

Checking Back In

Well, hello there. It's been a few months since I have seen your white, blank, "new post" page and thin black blinking cursor asking for thoughts to form into grammar. Feels good to be back.

I've had many a fleeting thought to write about these past few months but laziness is a terrible attribute and it tends to win over the thought of writing. I have been admittedly over extending myself in my tireless efforts to achieve, that I have left nary (yep- i said nary) a time for my own transcription of thought.

What I'd like to write about tonight is one of the books I am reading. It's a small book, both in size and in length- but could possibly be one of the most influential I have read. It is called "Man's Search for Meaning" and is authored by Viktor E. Frankl. Frankl was a survivor of the Nazi prison camps and was an influential psychiatrist and neurologist. The book was written in 1959. It is a very unassuming little treasure that I picked up for $1 from an elderly lady at a neighborhood-wide yard sale in Richmond last month. How lucky I was.

I won't go into a book review but suffice to say that this is an influential and life changing book. Not only is it a virtual panacea of thought and revelation in the psychological sense, but it discusses the very nature of life, death, and the human spirit.

Frankl writes of a time in which he was out in the trenches in his prison camp hacking away at the snowy ground. He was conversing mentally with his wife, who had perished, about the purpose of "sufferings, and slow dying". Suddenly, he felt his "spirit piercing through the enveloping gloom" and sensed an answer to his internal inquiry as to whether there was existence of an ultimate purpose. He felt decidedly that the answer was "yes". At the same time he felt this revelation, he looked out into the horizon and saw a quaint and peaceful farmhouse. Though the horizon and sky were slate gray, there was a warm light in the farmhouse. From that moment, Frankl deduced that a light was shining in his darkness:

"Et lux in tenebris lucet"- and the light shineth in the darkness.

I thought very long and meditatively about that story and about the Latin quote that Frankly used to personify it. It defines who I want to be, both personally and professionally. I want to be the light in someone's darkness. I don't want to be a source of sadness, anxiety, distrust, or anger. I want to be light.

If we all are a light to someone else...where could there be dark?

On My Mind Tonight

To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.

-Shakespeare, Hamlet

body and mind

As the biting cold wind entered my lungs on this morning's run, conversely, my face was warmed by the sun. I could feel the strain of my muscles and the pain of my inhalation at the same time that I felt the joy of being on the trail and the peace of hearing my breath in harmony with my feet. For today was the first day since I had surgery six weeks ago that I ran.

The body is an incredible machine. To think that I was unable to walk unassisted this time 6 weeks ago...and that today I was running, is fantastic to me. It is symbolic not only of our body's great capacity for transformation and healing but also of our mind's and our spirit's. It was a solid, fleshly reminder to me that in due time, all things heal.

This week was also a week for great accomplishment of my mind. I was celebrated for having a 4.0 gpa and was encouraged to apply for a grant, which I did. I have to say- 4.0 in a Bachelor's of Science program!! Ok...moment of bragging is over.

But still...
4.0 :-)

This one body. This one mind. This one spirit and this one soul. All working together for this finite time, on this finite planet. How can each day, scratch that- each moment- not be perceived as a complete and genuine miracle?

Eager

There are some dreams that I have had for my life and imagined I'd always have. For a few of them, it does not appear that they will turn out as I'd expected. But as I am coming to learn, it is not about what I expect. It's about my purpose; and only God knows what that is.

I am sooooo excited to have an opportunity coming up in front of me. It's an opportunity to put many of the best skills I possess into action. Where I would have imagined that these skills would have been used in a different circumstance, I understand more now why they haven't been. I will soon be committing to a weekly volunteer position directly involved with young children and women in crisis. One on one. OMG! It thrills me. I can't wait. I can't wait to listen, to care, to mother, to hold, to love. I can't wait to weep, to cry, to laugh, and to smile for others. I can't wait to shine a light into the lives of those experiencing their darkest times.

While I know this road will be tough, I am eager. I know the time commitment - with tending to my family, being in school full time and working full time- will be tough. At least I don't have to worry about a social life; this time commitment will pretty much absorb any chance of that :-) Which truly is completely fine by me.

To be entrusted with another's pain is such a gift. I am a sponge and an absorber. It's been my blessing and my curse. I have left jobs and I have left relationships because of it. My niche and my strength is in my empathy for people in pain. Some people like to fix cars. I like to fix people. The only catch is, everyday people don't like to see themselves as broken. But if I place myself in the arena FOR those that are broken and in crisis, I will excel. I want to work with the broken...the deepest of those in our society. I want to work with prison inmates, or adolescents in crisis units, or schizophrenics. Abnormal behavior fascinates me. But until I know what I am doing for those with biological basis for their illnesses, I will be so blessed to work with those in deeply unfortunate life circumstances.

I ask that the Lord guide and protect me. I ask that He give me the right words to say to those looking to me to say them. I ask that the Lord continue to place me exactly where He needs me in order to do His work. And above all, I thank Him. For though I find frustration in my normal day to day tasks that appear to not be serving mankind in any great capacity, only He knows that by leading me to this opportunity and by broadening my own ideas of what I thought I needed, He knows exactly what He is doing.

Amen.

You and I

It's come to my attention that the post I wrote below on my feelings about my father's death has been very beneficial to some people who have read it.

I am so glad, for that was my entire goal in opening myself up to the vulnerability and the pain. Thank you for reaching out to me, whether through a friend or directly.

None of us are alone.

Do's

Do one thing you fear every day. Courage is a beautiful thing and lifts us up like eagles.

Do it and do it afraid.

Laugh every day. If you can't laugh at yourself...find someone to make you laugh. Make someone else laugh. There is a man whom I admire greatly. He is a world spiritual and political leader. His life has been a life of great integrity, restraint, faith, and wisdom. Yet any interview you see with him shows him laughing constantly...without any bashfulness or shame. It does nothing to his credibility as a serious individual other than completely elevate it- because life is funny.

Live like him...his holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama.

Remain consistent.  Be who you genuinely are-everywhere. Do not change for circumstances, people, situations, or environments. That is not living a genuine and honest life. Do not alter who you are according to how you want certain populations to perceive you.

Do not hide.

Fall.  Take a chance. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Confide in someone. Trust someone. Get up and go. Stay in the quiet with yourself and think. Stay still. Move. Quit. Ask for a raise. Do the opposite of what brings you stagnation. Do it with respect for yourself and with respect for others. Do it unselfishlessly.

Do it in love.

anger within the deepest love

I've toyed with the idea of writing this publicly. The things I plan to share here are raw, extremely personal and very painful. I am not an exhibitionist and I have always been slightly paranoid about the Internet (thanks, mom). But I decided that none of the feelings I have here about this are unique to me. I know people who will read this have or will suffer an enormous loss in their lives. It is the life we live.
Therefore, if any of what I am about to write brings someone comfort that you are not alone, I am honored. Because you're not.

A psychology professor recently told me that women do not cry from sadness. We cry because we are raging. She told the men in the class that if their partners cried during an argument, then the men have not "won" and the argument is far from over: the woman is raging. She is angry...very very angry.
The women kind of snickered at this. Including myself. I never really think of myself as "raging". But then I gave it some thought...and the recent times I have cried hard. And damn if she wasn't totally right.

She also said during the same class that when one has suffered the loss of a family member, it is ok to be mad with them. Mad and angry. I never really thought about this. When you lose someone, it's not really "acceptable" to be angry during the time your are mourning. However, it is a very true component of loss.

I am writing about it here is because I am tired of hiding it.

• I am angry with you for leaving, far far before you ever said you would.
• I am angry with you for leaving in the middle of the night, without warning, without me ever getting the chance to truly tell you how in love your little girl was with her daddy.
• I am angry with you for not allowing a funeral.
• I am angry with you for never being a grandfather.
• I am angry with you for never knowing your grand daughter.
• I am angry with you for how you have changed my family- my perfect family...forever.
• I am angry with you because when I need your common sense...the only person on the planet that could level with me like you always did- you are not there.
• I am angry with you because you'd be so freakin proud of me and you're not here to see it, tell me it, or brag about it like you used to love to.
• I am angry with you because you have never known me as a mother.
• I am angry with you because your death broke me.
• I am angry with you because our adult relationship had just started to emerge when you left me.
• I am angry because you left your little girl in this scary world without you.
• I am angry because you are not here to tell me that I have "fucked up" like you did when I was going through a rough patch at 20 years old. It hurt but you were right. No one else can reach me like that, and now is the time I need it the most.
• I am angry with you because there is no one who gives a shit like you used to about listening to my poker games.
• I am angry with you because you are not here to give me the hugs that would envelope me and make me feel like it was just you and me against the world.
• I am angry with you because I am a shadow of the person you knew me to be since you left and I don't know how to get who I was back without you.
• I am angry because I don't know where you are.

I am angry because you were my immortal. You were larger than life. Nothing could beat you. But you let life beat you. I know that sounds ridiculous...but you were never supposed to leave me.

I was and continue to be completely unprepared for the emotions that I have over your death. What I have come to realize is that time does not heal this. That's a lie. Time does nothing to the pain one feels over the death of another. The searing, ripping, hot stabs in your heart do lessen a little as time goes by. But grief only evolves into different hues and shades of itself.

What I also know is that despite all of this pain, I am emerging stronger. I am showing courage where I never thought I could. I feel your resilience and your stubbornness inside of me. I feel your drive and your constant reminders of honesty, communication and morality.

Damn, I am so much like you. I love you. I miss you.

My Mentor

I've said it before. God gives us exactly what we need, precisely when we need it. If there is any confusion in my life, it is only made more clear by knowing that I am where I need to be simply because God has placed me here. After acknowledging that, a sense of comfort fulfills me, even in the midst of chaos.

I spent a very long time enjoying the company of a mentor of mine. She probably doesn't know that's how I see her, but it is. She is 10 years my senior and we've been friends for about that long. She's beautiful, wise, strong, confidant, funny as an idiot and did I mention beautiful? I love her so so much. I feel like her little sister when I am with her, under her guidance and her wing. I can (and do) tell her everything, because trying to hide any of my feelings from her is simply an exercise in futility. I don't get to see her but once every several months, yet it's literally like it's been a week between get togethers.

She told me last night something that she said she knows for sure: she said that when God is ready to elevate you out of a situation, He will. When God is ready to change a situation, He will. Nothing may make sense. But it's because God's timing is only known to Him. She said she has lived this time and time again and gave me a very recent and extremely painful example in her life.

Trusting in God and His plan will NOT keep us from falling. At all. But it is God's grace that will pick us up every time. That is something I know for sure.

Two very different women, two very different view points and outlooks on the world based on our own life's experiences. Yet we always have each other's back.
I love you, my friend :)