At the Table

Last night I attended a retirement dinner for the CEO of my company. He is retiring after 36 years. He is an accomplished, kind, brilliant man. And he gave me a warm smile and hug last night and welcomed me to his party.

He read during his speech the first stanza of the poem below.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream -- and not make dreams your master;
If you can think -- and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings -- nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run --
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And -- which is more -- you'll be a Man, my son!

I welled up with tears. I felt that God put me in that moment to hear those words from someone I have always admired. I did not go to the dinner last night because I hold any great position in my company. I did not go because people I knew were going. I in fact went alone. I went last night because I will miss this man. I have been with my company going on 13 years and I consider that to be one of my biggest accomplishments. I have worked in medical records, reception, I've done cpr and comforted hundreds of people in crisis in the er and in our psychiatric hospital. And now I have the great pleasure of supporting senior level executives and physicians. I am blessed and I love my company.

The poem above by Rudyard Kipling can take a lifetime to understand and accomplish. And since I have gone 31 years without seeing it before, I've got some catching up to do. A few lines in particular hold meaning to my life right now:

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

I think the hardest thing in betrayal is not learning to trust others. It is learning to trust yourself and also understanding another's doubt.

And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

There are moments when I feel I have nothing left. Whether it be a physical, emotional or intellectual challenge. But in this life, we don't get the choice of quitting. At least I don't acknowledge that choice. It is not an option. Holding on is the only choice.



If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you

Ok how is that even possible? Definitely a poem writting by a man for a man :-) I guess in this line, I want to say that it sounds wonderful. It sounds utopian of sorts to breeze through life not letting anyone hurt us. But is that really the measure of a Man? I would be willing to venture that it is most definitely not. I understand Mr. Kipling is likely eluding to the idea that we can only be hurt by someone if we allow it. But I believe the measure of the depth of my care for someone exemplifies how much they can hurt me. If you are a foe, you cannot hurt me. What makes me have the capacity to love is the vulnerability that my love allows for hurt. If I care about someone, they can hurt me. If I don't, they can't. I am not sure I ever want that to change.

Last night the honoree was surrounded at his table by his wife, two children, his assistant and his wife's family. Sitting next to him was not his closest colleague, nor his boss (if he had one), nor his best friend. Sitting next to him were the people in his life he cherishes the most. His family. I respected him 1,000 times more as I saw pictures of him raising his family; hiking Half Dome, hiking Mt Whitney and taking an 8 day camping trip through the Colorado Rapids. This is a man who achieves what he believes. I am sure he has had pitfalls and miss-steps and that he has been wrong a time or two in his life. But he has achieved being a father of two beautiful grown children. He has achieved being a man who built a sleepy community hospital in the 1970's into a premier hospital system that spans the East Bay and is nationally recognized. He has achieved being a husband.

I began to examine my metaphoric retirement table. Who it sitting with me? Who is missing? Who is at your retirement table? Who, at the end of your career, do you want celebrating your life with you? My answers came to me very clear.

I knew at once that the road to that table will be long and hard. I will have a few Half Domes thrown in and a Mt Whitney or two. But back to Mr. Kipling: "If" I can trust in God and in myself, "If" I can 'hold on', "If" I can be vulnerable then my table will once again be filled with love, life, laughter, celebration, family and achievement.

Thank you and congratulations, Mr. Anderson.