And I think that has been a problem. I think what I haven't been prepared for is the completely necessary need of immersing one's self in - well, themselves. There are folks out there who truthfully only know themselves and don't have either the life's experience or the knowledge to be interested in much beyond that. I probably was one of those folks a few years ago. It's hard not to be without any true genuine responsibilities or traumatic life events' history to draw on your character and begin to make you empathetic towards others. But once those things hit ya- it really begins to be all about everyone else.
Which...is fine. And it's good. And it's necessary. But maybe this blog can actually be (insert shock here): about me. My experiences. My hopes. My dreams. My fears. My sadness. My happiness. My regrets. My triumphs. Even just writing all those incomplete sentences that begin with "My" actually makes me break out in a cold sweat. As a mother, and as a wife and woman in American society- we're not really allowed those thoughts. Our thoughts and actions must rotate around the needs and desires of others. I do not disagree with this. It is the way I want to live my life. But maybe I can carve out a little corner of the Internet world for ... just me. Maybe I can look forward to a little time every now and then recording a few things about ... just me. I don't really know how that will settle with me. I think I will still be afraid of that concept for awhile. So it's quite possible this will be my only post. But it's also possible I will grow to enjoy that idea and come back around these parts just a few more times. :-)
A little about my blog title: in simple summation, I can't think of one. I don't yet have a quippy, witty, cute or incredibly wise and introspective title to sum my life into three or four words. I tried to leave it blank but instead Blogger returned to me the words I decided to place in the field: Required field must not be left blank. So funny to me...a website telling me that the title of my life must not be blank. Like right now, I have to have it all kind of figured out. Or that I have to at least put in a temporary place holder title until the "real" title to my life steps up. "Will the real title to Destiny's life please stand up?"
I am sure it will. And when I hear it I will know it and if I have any readers, they will too. But for now...I am happy leaving it the way it is. I actually think it's kinda clever. If I do say so myself. And since this is my blog, I do. Ah...getting the hang of this.
Today is a good day in my life. It is a day in which I am breathing, I am healthy and I am alive. It is a day in which most everyone I hold dear and closest to my heart is doing the same. But it's also a day when I sense more. I sense there is more to be done. There are people who need me; who need my help. My hands, my feet, my smile and my kindness. I have sensed that for some time. My prayer is to be led to those people and give of myself everything I can.
I am heading very shortly into an completing my BA. I should be enrolled any day now and I am over the moon with excitement. I never completed it at SF State and it is well beyond the right time. My chosen educational path is so that I can be of service to others in a psychological arena. When I was in my early twenties...I used to stress- yes, actually stress- that I would not be a good therapist for lack of life's experiences. Everything was so easy for me up until about 28. Everything was so happy and I was so naive. Relatively speaking, and compared to true suffering, I am so blessed to be able to say that I still believe I am. But what will make me good at what I choose to do is the empathy that I have for other's sufferings. I am so drawn to the healing of other's minds and hearts. It is a blessing and it is a curse.
As I listen to the sound of the wind, my chimes, the fountain, the pattering of a few birds' feet on my deck and the traffic in the distance- I am so anticipatory. I am anticipatory of my future. Of my life. Of recovering and of blessing. Of forgiveness and of mending. Of seeing my baby girl's smile today and embracing my family. My single friends will tell me how lonely their lives are; when they are being honest and in their quiet moments, that is what they confide in me. They tell me it is lonely, and hard and difficult. I have not been single since I was 21 years old. And barely a year was I between relationships even then. I am so blessed. I am so loved.
My prayer for any and all of your reading this today is that you may be loved as well. Deeply, thoroughly and without limitations. God's love in unlimited. But if you are blessed to find human love that comes even a tenth of the way close to God's love...and (this is the key), you can accept that love, you are blessed. I think the hardest four words in the English language are: I Am Worth It.
But you are. And so am I. And what are we doing talking about YOU in MY blog anyway? Sigh...back to my old ways... :-)
Blessings.
No comments:
Post a Comment