Having Heart

When I was 19, I was sitting in lecture during EMT academy when out of nowhere, my heart began to race. I notified one of the fire fighter instructors who took me in another room and started to work me up (medical term for taking vital signs, etc). My heart rate converted itself back to a normal rhythm after a few minutes which felt like a gigantic surge of adrenaline, a flip flop in my chest and then normalcy. I'd never felt anything like that before.

I have, however, since. Many many times. I've been on medicine for it, been to the ER for it, had it affect my life in multiple ways, etc. What I have is paroxysmal sinus ventricular tachycardia, or SVT. It's fairly common. It sucks. Multiple things can affect it and I know what I can avoid and how I can help it. But that does not change the fact that it can come out of nowhere, at any time in my life.

I've learned to be scared of it. Scared of my heart. And for someone that never misses a metaphor, how could I ignore that one (rolls eyes)? I don't like the feeling of my heart racing...I used to avoid things like running and exercise because I could feel my heart pounding. That's a fear-phase I worked out of several years ago.

Tonight I went for an invigorating bike ride. I came to a stop sign and paused to grab some water from my pack. I noticed my heart. It was pounding in my chest from the ride. But it was a normal hard cadence; a well earned rhythm from hard work and exertion. In those few minutes, while I rested and enjoyed the hills around me on the trail that coasted through the sunset, I thought about that. Some things can be terrifying. But those very same things- when understood and worked hard for, can be incredibly rewarding and comforting. After all, the feel of my heart beating in my chest is the feel of LIFE. It is the source of my life. It is what causes blood to course to the hands that hold and care for the most precious gift in my life; my daughter. It is what causes the blood to course to my brain which allows me to dream, think, imagine and maybe sometimes obsess (a little ;-) ). My heart is what fuels my capacity for compassion, adventure, fierce love and friendship.

It felt good: feeling my heart tonight.

Titles

Someone emailed these words to me today pretty much out of nowhere. There was no subject line, no intro, no discussion. Just these words.

Perfect.

To let go does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow other persons to affect their own destinies.

To let go is not to fix but to be supportive.

To let go is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is to fear less and to love more.

When you love someone deeply, letting go is incredibly hard.

But I realized I must let go, for I do not own what I love.

                                                                        -Helen Grace Lescheid

The title to my blog finally has come to me. I have been waiting. And here it is: The Land in Between. To understand it, watch this sermon, given by video from a guest preacher, Jeff Manion at Cornerstone Fellowship. Get comfy, curl up on your couch and watch this. Though I am not familiar with Jeff and found his style to be slightly less to my liking, his message was impeccable.

The Land in Between

It's Lovely, This Land

I want you to know, I noticed you today. I knew you were with me...and in such a remarkable way. I was out on my own (which I know I shouldn't be...) on a hike. I had planned a route for myself but I was tempted. I came to a fork in the trail and saw a very steep path leading up and around a bend. Something about me: I will always take the hard road that rewards me in the end with a view. Hmm...sounds like a life metaphor waiting to happen.

This path was so so steep- I started to actually engage in self-talk to encourage myself to go all the way up. I just knew something great awaited me; if even just the satisfaction that I had chosen to make it. I got to the summit and it was breathtaking. 360 degree views stretching two counties and as a sweet cherry on top, an unobstructed view of the waxing moon. The breeze kicked up and I felt like floating. I was listening to my iPod and decided to find a song to compliment the beauty and awe of nature I felt around me. I prayed a silent prayer: "God, I am listening. Bring me to a song that you would like to have meaning for me in this moment".

One second later, the song had been chosen. It was the song I always choose when I want to feel close to you. It is a song you loved and that you would know in the first few notes. It is a song God chose for me, from you, to hear at that moment when all of my thoughts had settled and room was in my mind to encompass you.

So I listened. And I cried. And I smiled. I felt the breeze and imagined it was you touching my hair; talking to me; counseling me. You are always on my mind. Time has not healed the wounds. I do not think it ever shall. I took a picture to capture my view in that moment. It's below and does little to show everything that I saw.

I kept hiking. I saw ahead a few people who had come up from the other side of the trail, sitting and talking. Because I am constantly testing fate, I decided that perhaps another amazing coincidence would happen. I silenced my iPod and as I walked by them, one of them said something pretty much exactly as you would have. It was even about something you used to talk about. That was good enough "proof" for me.

You were with me today. In fact, I am constantly reminded that you are with me always. This picture and these lyrics, from your song, are for you- Dad.

Almighty Freedom
Almighty freer of the soul
Be free
Walk with me
Through the golden fields
So lovely
Lovely

We regret our sins, but...
We sew our own fate and
Under my face I remain feeble
Under my face, I smile

Aaahh)

Even alone/afraid
Under my face I will be waiting

Run with me now soldier of Rome
Run and play in the field with the ponies
Run with me now soldier of Rome
Run and play in the field with the ponies
Run with me now soldier of Rome
Run and play in the field with the ponies
Run with me now soldier of Rome
Run and play in the field with the ponies

Almighty Freedom
Almighty freeer of the soul
Be free
Be free
And imagine
Free with peace at last
It's lovely
It's lovely, this landNo one can believe or understand
How far I came just for my lovely family
I should have been there
with them when the world crashed down
But now they rest with me.

I'll never forget
How I felt that moment
I became free.

Love Letter

You are the person I live for. You are the person who wakes up, rubs the sleep out of your eyes, reaches out your warm arms to me and hugs me tighter and with more genuine love and adoration than any other pair of arms ever have for as long as my memory takes me.

When I focus on your eyes, and you lock yours on mine, I see the world. I see your world and I see mine. What was my world before I knew you? It was an inwardly directed selfish life. My days were filled with what I knew or what I hoped would make me happy. Sometimes I truly can’t believe how I filled my time. My life now is consumed with what will make you happy. Every decision I have to make about our life together is all about you. And I love you so much for that. I love you for bringing purpose, growth, pain, joy, adoration and the truest deepest love I have ever known to my life.

I delight in your happiness. I am crushed at your pain. I am consumed with worry: are you feeling ok/developing well/happy/thirsty/hungry/bored? I don’t know how to be anyone else for you. And I don’t want to be.

If there is one thing in this world that I know. Simply: One Thing. It is that I love you, daughter, with all of my heart and all of my soul. That love will never wary. You are my princess. You are my life. I will fiercely protect you for as long as God gives me time on His earth to do so. I have no other words.

Thank you for choosing me to be your mother. It is and will always be my greatest achievement and my greatest honor.

~Momma