Having Heart

When I was 19, I was sitting in lecture during EMT academy when out of nowhere, my heart began to race. I notified one of the fire fighter instructors who took me in another room and started to work me up (medical term for taking vital signs, etc). My heart rate converted itself back to a normal rhythm after a few minutes which felt like a gigantic surge of adrenaline, a flip flop in my chest and then normalcy. I'd never felt anything like that before.

I have, however, since. Many many times. I've been on medicine for it, been to the ER for it, had it affect my life in multiple ways, etc. What I have is paroxysmal sinus ventricular tachycardia, or SVT. It's fairly common. It sucks. Multiple things can affect it and I know what I can avoid and how I can help it. But that does not change the fact that it can come out of nowhere, at any time in my life.

I've learned to be scared of it. Scared of my heart. And for someone that never misses a metaphor, how could I ignore that one (rolls eyes)? I don't like the feeling of my heart racing...I used to avoid things like running and exercise because I could feel my heart pounding. That's a fear-phase I worked out of several years ago.

Tonight I went for an invigorating bike ride. I came to a stop sign and paused to grab some water from my pack. I noticed my heart. It was pounding in my chest from the ride. But it was a normal hard cadence; a well earned rhythm from hard work and exertion. In those few minutes, while I rested and enjoyed the hills around me on the trail that coasted through the sunset, I thought about that. Some things can be terrifying. But those very same things- when understood and worked hard for, can be incredibly rewarding and comforting. After all, the feel of my heart beating in my chest is the feel of LIFE. It is the source of my life. It is what causes blood to course to the hands that hold and care for the most precious gift in my life; my daughter. It is what causes the blood to course to my brain which allows me to dream, think, imagine and maybe sometimes obsess (a little ;-) ). My heart is what fuels my capacity for compassion, adventure, fierce love and friendship.

It felt good: feeling my heart tonight.