It's Been Awhile...

...since I have had such a fulfilling, complete and thought provoking weekend. And because of these things, very challenging.

I attended a 2 day Christian Women's Conference with a dear friend. By the end of the conference- actually during the very last worship song, we were dissolved to tears and just clinging to each other. I know that makes it sound like the whole thing was emotional but really, it wasn't. I think it was just that we had taken in so much, explored so many layers of our selves and marinated in God and his grace for 2 full days that we were simply wiped out.

Now that I have had a day and a half to absorb...I want to relay a few things that stuck out to me. Since I am a super-nerd, and I love to study and learn, I made notes :-D.

These are snippets of fabric from the big quilt that was this conference. They may make no sense to you, as my reader, out of context with my life. But they sure mean a lot to me. What I highlighted in bold lettering is the main idea that stood out to me, with the surrounding description as the supporting detail.

~Theme verse of the conference: Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Yes, yes...and yes.

~When I am in a "FUNK", it can look like this: F: Focus is off and Feelings prevail. U: I am Under the problem and not above it. N: I am needy and whiny. K: I am Keeping the cycle going.
Consider this: how would you feel if you knew God was ALWAYS guiding you?

~Steven Tyler said: "I want to make compassion the new black". I love this. So much.

~One of the speakers was talking about how sometimes you know a couple where both the man and the woman just seem to fit perfectly. My friend laughed and looked at me...which kinda made me think she was thinking of me and my husband. I sure was. The speaker likened those couples to "Tupperware", where the lid and the container...just fit. I loved that visual. So simply romantic. So simply beautiful. How lucky I am to have found my Tupperware. Talking to other people in my life can and does often feel so friggin difficult. Like pulling teeth...or like torture. Talking, real talking with my husband is...easy. It always has been. I think that is why there are no divides between us. No secrets. Because it would be like keeping a secret from yourself.

~Sinners don't change because we throw rocks. Oh boy...do I haul rocks. That is NOT good. I struggle with the fine balance of protecting my family and myself and having compassion for others. I am truly that person who will give you the shirt off my back. I don't say that with pride...because in most of my life, that has been used against me as a weakness. But throwing rocks, or being accusatory, punitive or confrontational to those who I believe have sinned against me will not change those people. Compassion does.

~Insidious and destructive behavior can slowly seep into our lives. We usually don't screw up 100% overnight. We do it by slowly, and over time, turning down the volume of our consciousness. Let me always remember to keep that volume high.

~Often times we wonder how we know if we are hearing the word of God. If it follows God's character and God's word, it is God speaking to our hearts. We must listen.

~Isaiah 30:21: I was once again led to my "life verse". I didn't know this was my life verse...because I didn't even know that was a term until this weekend. I heard that term a few times this weekend and thought to myself that it sure would be neat to choose a life verse. But how would I begin? Where should I look? A few hours later (and to go into the detail of how it happened here would be a whole nother blog...but trust me, it was gooood), I was once again drawn to my life verse. Isaiah 30:21. If you're not familiar, crack a Bible and check it out. It brings me absolute and untold comfort in my life.

~A fool is known by the multitude of his words.
Oh boy...so true. I am learning...listen more. Talk less.

Which brings me to a close.

It was a lovely time.
I am thankful.
I am blessed.

Calling

Today's sermon at church was so great that I had to scurry home and write about it. That is, after fixing my family lunch, putting away laundry, disciplining my daughter for her ever-increasing almost-two-years-old fits, and throwing a load in the wash. Ah...mommy-dom :-)

Calling. Today's sermon was about our calling. I L.O.V.E.D it. It made me laugh, and it actually made me tear up. Not the sermon part...but the part where my church displays the baptism of people on the screens inside the auditorium while they take place outside in the courtyard. Specifically, a brother and a sister about 8 years old, were baptised together. I was ok with it until they joined their arms at the elbow and went backwards down into the water together. Ya- that got me. Softie.

Anyway: calling. What's my calling? What would you do if you won the lottery? A man wins the lottery and calls his wife: "Honey, I won the lottery! Pack your bags!" The wife says "Great!! Warm weather or cold?" and the man says "I don't care, so long as you're gone when I get home" (I laughed at that part, too ;-)).

Three things stuck out to me today:
1) We discover our calling, we don't choose it.  I had to wrap my mind around that one, as I always thought a calling was what we chose. The Christian perspective really is that God has chosen for us and made us to be good at what will serve His purpose and kingdom. This may not necessarily be something we even enjoy or understand.
Before I met my husband, I had planned to join the Peace Corps. I had attended a meeting and was on track to join after earning my Bachelor's Degree, as this was something at the time that one needed to serve. It would have been a 2 year commitment in another country. As life has it, things changed and here I am. Not in a different country and not in the Peace Corps (not yet ;)). But at that time, I felt serving others was a calling for me. I still do. I feel it was something I discovered and it has not gone away over the last decade, though I have changed and time has passed.

2) Start thinking about the successes you have had over the course of your lifetime. Start with early achievements in childhood. This may be an indicator of what your calling is. I was a huge chatterer in my classes as a child. I made great grades but my teachers often commented that "Destiny socializes too much". If I heard the work "socialize" one more as a 10 year old, I swear...
So- I talk well. Additionally, I have been told I listen well. I also know I gravitate towards the walking wounded and people who need help. I love to help people. I had an all day work meeting at one of the hospitals I work for yesterday. I had to leave the conference rooms several times, as I was the organizer of the meetings. In the halls, patients would see me with my badge and ask me questions, of course not at all pertaining to my meetings. I really enjoyed helping the random patients and getting them where they needed to go. I loved it, actually. I loved being the person to help those in need. I don't work with the public and it was a great feeling to remember from the times that I used to. Helping.
I also love to read and I realllly love school. I am a huge school nerd. So...what would be a calling that involves: talking, listening, helping and education? Hell if I know... But at least I have a starting point!

3) What is the one limitation in your life that is the most painful for you to accept? If we can understand what we are not good at, we can begin to understand how to overcome this and flourish in what we ARE good at. This is one I think I am going to have to give some thought to. I have some ideas...but I mainly just wanted to share the question here to hopefully get my two readers (lol) thinking about that. It's a really great question and I think it can lead to some amazing answers and progressions in our lives.

One final note. The pastor completely missed a key point. During the sermon, there rang out two people's cell phones. I thought it was the PERFECT opportunity to say that was their 'calling'. But alas, it was missed. Dangit :)

Some really great dude once said "Know thyself". That would be my father (and Socrates but let's not be so specific here...). It's true. A combination of knowing oneself and in being open to prayerful consideration of what our Maker has in store for our calling and purpose is a perfect blend to our happiness and being productive members of society.

"Know thyself" in ancient Greek, public building in Germany.

Remembered

I've thought of so many things to write about lately but nothing has actually inspired me to do so. Today my mind wandered again, as it so often does and I decided it was time to get it out.

It's not often I can remove myself from my life, my circumstances, my stresses and dramas and decisions. But sometimes, when I get out of my head- I can think from a detached place of what my future may hold and what that means for me now. Often, it's depressing to me so I try not to do it too much :-) But...it's fascinating nonetheless and I think it can have great impact on how I live my life if I can learn from it and let it change my future.

The depressing stuff: in 100 years, I will be gone. Maybe sooner but I'd like to not think by too much :-) I will be gone and the people I love the most will be gone. My daughter will likely be gone. My grandchildren may be gone. That's crazy to me. It's crazy to me that anyone and everyone I have ever touched with my love or my humor or my work will be gone. It's freakin depressing, too. I thought of this today as I noticed a home for the elderly off of the freeway. I thought about myself someday in a home for the elderly and assumed that would mean I was elderly. Can I become elderly? Shit, I guess I can. Wow. How bizarre. And we know what happens after elderly........and that's where my mind went.

What's it all mean? Does it mean I can somehow try and forge a name for myself that goes beyond just the closest people I love? Can I be remembered for other good deeds and acts that will go down through the decades perhaps to strangers and people I will never come to know? I'd like to think so. And I have a few ideas about that.  :-)

Or...will I pass through this Earth and this life like the sand that fell through my fingertips today while I was at the beach? When I die and when my daughter dies, will anyone still talk about my father who left us three years ago? Is that just how life is...and if so, what and how does it serve a greater plan?

It's so strange to think about these things and then think "Ok then, what's for dinner?". From such macro concepts to such daily micro concepts. But isn't it a compilation of all of those micro concepts that create our life? When I get lost in the micro concepts and the dramas, it is useful to me to think about the greater life. My dad used to tell me that there isn't a person who hasn't felt what I was feeling in the past or a person some time in the future who won't experience what I was experiencing. It would somehow always make me feel like a greater collective; and feeling part of a greater and a bigger thing always soothed me. It still does.

Another very big lesson I learned about life was when my father passed away. In the days after his death, I felt like I was stuck in time. I was stuck in this horrible and cruel joke. Time stood still. We all went into action to take care of all the details you take care of when someone passes. There was a time when I noticed: the world didn't stop. I was in jell-o...but the world was still going. Meetings at my work were still happening without me. People were still stopping at red lights and going at green ones. Food was still being served at restaurants. Bills still had to be paid. Oh my God. The world was so cruel.

In the end, it made me more compassionate. People are around us EVERYWHERE stuck in jell-o. A family death, a breakup, a divorce, a job loss...you name it. People are suffering around us. It's not just all.about.us..

The experiences of the greater collective; the sufferings and the joys- bring us to our generation. I feel a camaraderie with people I see sometimes. Old people and new babies. These people are sharing the same space, time and experiences in this life and Earth as I am. That's pretty special. At least I sure think it is.

I feel God eventually reveals everything we need to know if we sit in the stillness and let Him. When He does, it is then in our hands to decide how to handle the given situation with the information that we have.We can learn from what we have been taught and move into action...or we can choose to ignore it and continue treading water in the same circumstance. We have free will. We can only do what we can do with the resources and knowledge we are given. That's one of my answers: wait for my purpose to be revealed. And when it is...go into it head on and with full intention. I have had a bit of that recently and it involves greater education so that I can serve my purpose. I am scared of that; it will change my life and I thought my life was pretty sweet and comfy as is. :-)

But stagnant and happy are often places of attraction for change from the Universe. Time to shake it up. Time to be remembered. Time to make an impact.
                                                     Time to be more than sand in the wind.

A Glimpse

There is so much positivity; so much beauty around. So many things have delighted me and made me fulfilled as of late. I am so fortunate.
Here are a few things, today- that have made me one happy little lady. Of course- there must be a quote and there must be a song. That be me, for ya.

"It is better to keep one's mouth shut and be thought a fool

than to open it and resolve all doubt." 

This quote by Abraham Lincoln made me laugh out loud. What a smart, ingenious fella.

~~~

I heard this song on KFOG today and learned it is by Muse, one of my new older favorites. It's interesting to hear the concept of "saving someone" from a man. Women are so known for this that it's obnoxious. And over rated. Saving someone is impossible. I know someone who recently told me he's kind of that guy- very attracted to the walking wounded woman. This one's for you, amico (and it's just a crazy-sick joint!):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8OOWcsFj0U

~~~

I planted some bulbs in my garden. The concept of planting these flowers now and the reaping their beauty in the summer thrills me. Like a package waiting to be opened but needing water and nurture before it can make it's true presence known. I loooooove gardening. I also planted some fresh herbs which I can't wait to chop up and use in cooking. I love to create: plants where there were none, food where there was also known. Creation is beauty.

~~~

Truly, I could go on and on and on of all the blessings I am feeling today. Peace, faith, health, spirituality, love, fulfillment...but I will close with this one. It's one I have noticed not only on the outside- in my home, and in my garden. But I have noticed it also on the inside of late. And thank God. Cuz things were getting pretty noisy in here.

Stillness. Less tv ... less obsessive mental chatter ... less worry ... less being said ... just more stillness.

Simple, pure, clear, stillness.

And Thank You God for that.

Thoughtlets

Today's day trip reminded me a lot of life. Sometimes, daily living and adventures can parallel the greatest lessons in life; like a whisper, those lessons dance into my day and leave me with thoughts.

We went out to the Golden Gate Recreational reserve and visited a few historic sites. I am reminded how much I love old abandoned buildings. I can feel the energy of people and events passed. It's a blessing sometimes to be removed from my present and transported into the energy of the past; filled with people with their own sorrows and joys- so many the same as us living today.

I start the journey with this picture I took from an old Battery location on the Coast. This is a location built in 1905 to protect the SF Bay Area from warships and to fire cannons from which could reach as far as 8 miles out to see. I was transfixed by this door. What's inside? Who passed through these doors over 100 years ago? What conversations were had by these doors? I imagined the smell of cannon powder, perhaps cigarette smoke. How long ago were these doors shut to the world? And who was the person who finally shut them - forever...? Did he know he was shutting these doors forever?

Do we know when we have shut doors forever by our actions; the things we say, the things we do? Will someone someday be standing at those big heavy steel doors that we shut- wondering... what happened to you? What is inside? 

Ohhh...how I loved this next one. A narrow stairway up led me to this small room with several of these windows. This obviously faces the Golden Gate bridge. There is the same space to the right of this picture and two more behind, all facing out to see and north, up the coast. This small room must have been for armed fire by soldiers. This particular window reminded me so much of myself. Look through the window. See the perfect beauty outside- the picturesque hillside, the bridge, the lush trees. Then look at the jagged and ruined edges through which you are viewing such beauty. Like this window, I often view beauty in the outside world through a jagged edge; my perceptions, my bad experiences, my prejudices, my judgments...simply, my mankind. My own constructs. And those constructs can be confined to a small room where I only have windows to look out to the beauty. Have your perceptions of the beauty around you ever been confined to a small space in your mind and viewed through your jagged perceptions of life? The beauty is out there. No matter how, or from where, we look at it.

Point Bonita Lighthouse. I took this picture off of the rail of a small bridge and after about .5 mile from the parking lot. Point Bonita Lighthouse came to this location in 1877. It is still a functioning and maintained lighthouse. The suspension bridge does not allow for tourists and needs to be reinforced. This was about as close as we could get. Straight down is steep and intimidating cliff side. I have always loved me a good lighthouse. I think they are so romantic. Weird, right? They do hold some lore in American culture: the lonely wife pacing the lighthouse waiting for its' beam to guide her sailor husband home. Never knowing if he will come home from sea or if in fact he is still alive. It's the welcome warmth and refuge for men and women who have been away too long and a signal of protection from the dangerous cliffs of the coast. It is both a warmth and a protection. It is masculine in this way yet also feminine in it's longing. It is, as it's name says, beautiful.

To get to the lighthouse, part of the walk involves this tunnel. Yeeeesh, huh? Very dark (somehow I caught some good light in this picture), wet and dripping from the top throughout. Very eery. Not a place to chill at night in my book. But through this tunnel, the incredible beauty in this picture above. Ah- now isn't that a not-so-hard-to-figure-out parallel to life? Through the dark, dank, damp, dreary, scary, places of our minds we can be transformed to see the light, the beauty, the warmth and the welcoming of love and of sheltered protection. What is your light house? And what dark and looming tunnels will you need to traverse to get there...?

And finally, this. My new best statue sea lion friend. Hope s/he liked blond hair for lunch :-).

Where do your large iron doors lead? What are they keeping locked in- or...locked out? How do you look at life: all of its' beauty through a jagged window? Or face-to-face, ready for what it has to bring and outside of the small rooms of your mind? Do you have a beautiful light and warmth emanating from you to the people you love, as the lighthouse above? Are you a place of protection, warmth and refuge?

And finally, what tunnels do you need to pass through to reach any of these things? Tunnels of the mind, the body or the spirit? I encourage you to think about starting to walk through them. They are looming, foreboding, intense, dark. They are scary and unknown, full of twists and turns. 

But one step leads to the next. And before you know it, you are walking through- perhaps even sprinting.

In the end and on the other side...transformation awaits.

To Sing

There are some songs I truly love to sing. I have always loved music and I have always loved to sing. I think, as I get older- I am sounding better. That's curious to me. What I would love to do behind a mic. Maybe I will get that chance.

This is one of the songs I absolutely love to sing. It is meaningful, it is profound, it is simple and it is beautiful. It's right in my range, both the main vocals and the harmony. I always go for the harmony- I like the challenge :-D

This song is written from a man's perspective. An older man who has just lost his wife of 40 years and is coming home from her funeral. While I can't necessarily relate exactly to this, I can appreciate the humble nature of this man's thoughts and his deep grief and regret. I can appreciate that sometimes, we forget to see each other. I appreciate that this song is real; that it's about two people who have loved and lived, regretted and turned away.

I aspire to love better than this song...because after all, "Ain't nothing left at all in the end of being proud, With me riding in this car, and you flying through the clouds".

Truer Words...

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.  ~James D. Miles

 

I love this.

No long explanation. That is all.



Two Trees

Below is what I like to think of as an Insta-Blog. It's when I get something, or think of something and I know for sure that I need to process it and write about it. And now that I have a blog...well...whatta perfect place to do that.

So I got this quote in an email from someone. It was an answered prayer- a note truly from the mouth of God. I have since shared it with friends, re-read it many many times and now am writing about it. Simply put, it is incredible.

“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.” ~Louis de Bernieres

What resonates with me about this quote:

• The idea of all that love is not. All that love is not is passion/excitement/breathlessness. Any fool can do this. No one really talks about all that love is not. Just all that it is.
• The idea that one in love must ultimately come to a decision. That is so so SOO true. The passion of love will always subside. And when it does, the decision must be made.
• The idea that it is inconceivable that the person who you are in love with and you should ever part. Inconceivable. Not likely, or maybe, or sad or scary. Inconceivable. Like losing a limb. Simply inconceivable. That is love. There should be a Hallmark card that says that. It's perfection.
• The idea that love is what is left over after all has faded away. And it does. And it will. Love is what is left. Love is everything that is left.
• The idea that love is the ultimate and eternal entwining of tree roots. The tree to me is the ultimate symbol of perfect life. It always has been. I love to be near a tree, to stare at a tree, to be under a tree, to be on a tree and to listen to a tree. They are everywhere and yet each one is significant beauty and ultimate perfection. As is, I believe, love.
• The fact that the author used the word promulgation. I appreciate that word. "You had me at promulgation". :-)
• The fact that love is work. Doesn't that seem counter-intuitive? What? Love is work? I thought all the work was in getting someone to love you and then the work is over? Nope. Wrong. Fail. Finally having someone to love you means you have another person willing to work the rest of their lives with you to continue to want to love you. It's a choice; not a sand pit one falls into and can't ever climb their way out of. That's not love. Love is a willing and conscious choice. Everyday that choice must be made. Or not made.

I'm not sure this would have made sense to me several years ago. I might have thought that I'd soak up the passion and breathlessness and early years of love while I could and leave the rest to the old folks. But I have learned so much and grown so deeply in the last several years and can't begin to describe the meaning this quote has for me. I get it now. A tree may lose it's leaves during a storm. It may have branches that snap off, or even parts of its' very trunk that are damaged, depending on how harsh the storm it has to weather. But that tree will not be swept away if the roots go deep and strong (unless it's a really bad tornado but stick with me here, people...). The analogies are endless. My how life is but an imitation of nature.

I guess... I am now the old folk. If that means I am wiser and I am more aware of what love truly is, and what love truly is not, then I am grateful.

At the Table

Last night I attended a retirement dinner for the CEO of my company. He is retiring after 36 years. He is an accomplished, kind, brilliant man. And he gave me a warm smile and hug last night and welcomed me to his party.

He read during his speech the first stanza of the poem below.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream -- and not make dreams your master;
If you can think -- and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings -- nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run --
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And -- which is more -- you'll be a Man, my son!

I welled up with tears. I felt that God put me in that moment to hear those words from someone I have always admired. I did not go to the dinner last night because I hold any great position in my company. I did not go because people I knew were going. I in fact went alone. I went last night because I will miss this man. I have been with my company going on 13 years and I consider that to be one of my biggest accomplishments. I have worked in medical records, reception, I've done cpr and comforted hundreds of people in crisis in the er and in our psychiatric hospital. And now I have the great pleasure of supporting senior level executives and physicians. I am blessed and I love my company.

The poem above by Rudyard Kipling can take a lifetime to understand and accomplish. And since I have gone 31 years without seeing it before, I've got some catching up to do. A few lines in particular hold meaning to my life right now:

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

I think the hardest thing in betrayal is not learning to trust others. It is learning to trust yourself and also understanding another's doubt.

And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

There are moments when I feel I have nothing left. Whether it be a physical, emotional or intellectual challenge. But in this life, we don't get the choice of quitting. At least I don't acknowledge that choice. It is not an option. Holding on is the only choice.



If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you

Ok how is that even possible? Definitely a poem writting by a man for a man :-) I guess in this line, I want to say that it sounds wonderful. It sounds utopian of sorts to breeze through life not letting anyone hurt us. But is that really the measure of a Man? I would be willing to venture that it is most definitely not. I understand Mr. Kipling is likely eluding to the idea that we can only be hurt by someone if we allow it. But I believe the measure of the depth of my care for someone exemplifies how much they can hurt me. If you are a foe, you cannot hurt me. What makes me have the capacity to love is the vulnerability that my love allows for hurt. If I care about someone, they can hurt me. If I don't, they can't. I am not sure I ever want that to change.

Last night the honoree was surrounded at his table by his wife, two children, his assistant and his wife's family. Sitting next to him was not his closest colleague, nor his boss (if he had one), nor his best friend. Sitting next to him were the people in his life he cherishes the most. His family. I respected him 1,000 times more as I saw pictures of him raising his family; hiking Half Dome, hiking Mt Whitney and taking an 8 day camping trip through the Colorado Rapids. This is a man who achieves what he believes. I am sure he has had pitfalls and miss-steps and that he has been wrong a time or two in his life. But he has achieved being a father of two beautiful grown children. He has achieved being a man who built a sleepy community hospital in the 1970's into a premier hospital system that spans the East Bay and is nationally recognized. He has achieved being a husband.

I began to examine my metaphoric retirement table. Who it sitting with me? Who is missing? Who is at your retirement table? Who, at the end of your career, do you want celebrating your life with you? My answers came to me very clear.

I knew at once that the road to that table will be long and hard. I will have a few Half Domes thrown in and a Mt Whitney or two. But back to Mr. Kipling: "If" I can trust in God and in myself, "If" I can 'hold on', "If" I can be vulnerable then my table will once again be filled with love, life, laughter, celebration, family and achievement.

Thank you and congratulations, Mr. Anderson.

 

A Meditation on Neckties

"Stars in the purple dusk above the rooftops,
Pale in the saffron mist and seem to die,
And I myself on a swiftly tilting planet,
Stand before a glass and tie my tie"- Conrad Aiken

My boss stood talking to me today and I glanced down at his necktie. He often has attractive neckties and I believe I am familiar with most of them. I especially like it when he wears the one I got him for Christmas. I glanced down at his tie and I saw one I did not recognize. It was beautiful. It was a mix of spheres with a diagonal soft design brushed over them. The colors were pastels and as usual, went well with his collared shirt. I said "I like your tie! Is it new?" and he looked down at it, said thank you and said he had no idea. He said he reached in his closet and it was there. His wife has very good taste :-)

Seemingly independent of that conversation, I began to free associate a bit while taking minutes in my night meeting this evening. I looked around and noticed among the professional men who attend this meeting that several of them wear neckties. I must say that I found that absolutely adorable. I remember when my father used to wear ties for business a long time ago. He stopped that as I grew older and as his job required less formality. But I found the idea of the necktie so sweetly old fashioned. It made me feel ... somehow- happy to be in this group of wonderful, intelligent, caring, compassionate yet astutely business wise group of people. I have always said I love my job but what I love most are the people. The professionalism- the follow through. The people I work with have never let me down. That is a gift.

But back to the neckties. I imagined a young man learning how to tie a tie from a parent. Likely, a father. I have never been a man nor have I ever learned how to tie a necktie. What must that conversation be like for a young man? Is it a time of bonding or kind of just a necessity like learning to tie one's shoes?

Then ... the idea of a grown man repeating those steps learned so long ago as a child is so romantic and beautiful to me. It's so vulnerable and real. I suspect most of the time it's a pain in the neck (really, folks- the humor here is free!), but I wonder if a man ever thinks back to the person who taught him how to tie his necktie. When I ride a bike, I often think of my mother who taught me. I wonder if it's the same idea.

In the end, yeah- I get it. They're freak'n neckties. But they are a sign of respect. A sign of stature and nobility. I actually Wikipedia'd neckties and read up on them tonight. Did you know IKEA employees are forbidden to wear neckties? Hmph. The Swedish.

Whether they're a skinny tie to match (God forbid) skinny jeans (a trend on men I am eager to see die a painful death), a holiday tie, a ghastly gift tie or a super sweet one like the one my boss wore today, I like ties. I find them vulnerable, but strong. The idea that a man put time and effort into doing all those bizarre loopty-loops they do to get this fabric to hang off their neck and down their shirt is special to me. I like the intricacy and the understated attention to detail. I like the formality for the sake of tradition and respect. I like how when a necktie is all loosened up at the end of a day it is symbolic for a long day worked and a time for relaxation. I like that a tie says "I am someone" or that it says "I feel like I am someone". 

I like the necktie.



Titles

I have sat down to begin a blog. In the past, and quite honestly, I have always found blogs to be a bit self indulgent. I have kind of tisked at them in the judgemental part of my mind thinking: "really? all that time consumed on reporting the thoughts of one's self?". This from someone who basically consumes myself with the thoughts and needs of others. It just didn't make sense to me.

And I think that has been a problem. I think what I haven't been prepared for is the completely necessary need of immersing one's self in - well, themselves. There are folks out there who truthfully only know themselves and don't have either the life's experience or the knowledge to be interested in much beyond that. I probably was one of those folks a few years ago. It's hard not to be without any true genuine responsibilities or traumatic life events' history to draw on your character and begin to make you empathetic towards others. But once those things hit ya- it really begins to be all about everyone else.

Which...is fine. And it's good. And it's necessary. But maybe this blog can actually be (insert shock here): about me. My experiences. My hopes. My dreams. My fears. My sadness. My happiness. My regrets. My triumphs. Even just writing all those incomplete sentences that begin with "My" actually makes me break out in a cold sweat. As a mother, and as a wife and woman in American society- we're not really allowed those thoughts. Our thoughts and actions must rotate around the needs and desires of others. I do not disagree with this. It is the way I want to live my life. But maybe I can carve out a little corner of the Internet world for ... just me. Maybe I can look forward to a little time every now and then recording a few things about ... just me. I don't really know how that will settle with me. I think I will still be afraid of that concept for awhile. So it's quite possible this will be my only post. But it's also possible I will grow to enjoy that idea and come back around these parts just a few more times. :-)

A little about my blog title: in simple summation, I can't think of one. I don't yet have a quippy, witty, cute or incredibly wise and introspective title to sum my life into three or four words. I tried to leave it blank but instead Blogger returned to me the words I decided to place in the field: Required field must not be left blank. So funny to me...a website telling me that the title of my life must not be blank. Like right now, I have to have it all kind of figured out. Or that I have to at least put in a temporary place holder title until the "real" title to my life steps up. "Will the real title to Destiny's life please stand up?"

I am sure it will. And when I hear it I will know it and if I have any readers, they will too. But for now...I am happy leaving it the way it is. I actually think it's kinda clever. If I do say so myself. And since this is my blog, I do. Ah...getting the hang of this.

Today is a good day in my life. It is a day in which I am breathing, I am healthy and I am alive. It is a day in which most everyone I hold dear and closest to my heart is doing the same. But it's also a day when I sense more. I sense there is more to be done. There are people who need me; who need my help. My hands, my feet, my smile and my kindness. I have sensed that for some time. My prayer is to be led to those people and give of myself everything I can.

I am heading very shortly into an completing my BA. I should be enrolled any day now and I am over the moon with excitement. I never completed it at SF State and it is well beyond the right time. My chosen educational path is so that I can be of service to others in a psychological arena. When I was in my early twenties...I used to stress- yes, actually stress- that I would not be a good therapist for lack of life's experiences. Everything was so easy for me up until about 28. Everything was so happy and I was so naive. Relatively speaking, and compared to true suffering, I am so blessed to be able to say that I still believe I am. But what will make me good at what I choose to do is the empathy that I have for other's sufferings. I am so drawn to the healing of other's minds and hearts. It is a blessing and it is a curse.

As I listen to the sound of the wind, my chimes, the fountain, the pattering of a few birds' feet on my deck and the traffic in the distance- I am so anticipatory. I am anticipatory of my future. Of my life. Of recovering and of blessing. Of forgiveness and of mending. Of seeing my baby girl's smile today and embracing my family. My single friends will tell me how lonely their lives are; when they are being honest and in their quiet moments, that is what they confide in me. They tell me it is lonely, and hard and difficult. I have not been single since I was 21 years old. And barely a year was I between relationships even then. I am so blessed. I am so loved.

My prayer for any and all of your reading this today is that you may be loved as well. Deeply, thoroughly and without limitations. God's love in unlimited. But if you are blessed to find human love that comes even a tenth of the way close to God's love...and (this is the key), you can accept that love, you are blessed. I think the hardest four words in the English language are: I Am Worth It.

But you are. And so am I. And what are we doing talking about YOU in MY blog anyway? Sigh...back to my old ways... :-)
Blessings.