Checking Back In

Well, hello there. It's been a few months since I have seen your white, blank, "new post" page and thin black blinking cursor asking for thoughts to form into grammar. Feels good to be back.

I've had many a fleeting thought to write about these past few months but laziness is a terrible attribute and it tends to win over the thought of writing. I have been admittedly over extending myself in my tireless efforts to achieve, that I have left nary (yep- i said nary) a time for my own transcription of thought.

What I'd like to write about tonight is one of the books I am reading. It's a small book, both in size and in length- but could possibly be one of the most influential I have read. It is called "Man's Search for Meaning" and is authored by Viktor E. Frankl. Frankl was a survivor of the Nazi prison camps and was an influential psychiatrist and neurologist. The book was written in 1959. It is a very unassuming little treasure that I picked up for $1 from an elderly lady at a neighborhood-wide yard sale in Richmond last month. How lucky I was.

I won't go into a book review but suffice to say that this is an influential and life changing book. Not only is it a virtual panacea of thought and revelation in the psychological sense, but it discusses the very nature of life, death, and the human spirit.

Frankl writes of a time in which he was out in the trenches in his prison camp hacking away at the snowy ground. He was conversing mentally with his wife, who had perished, about the purpose of "sufferings, and slow dying". Suddenly, he felt his "spirit piercing through the enveloping gloom" and sensed an answer to his internal inquiry as to whether there was existence of an ultimate purpose. He felt decidedly that the answer was "yes". At the same time he felt this revelation, he looked out into the horizon and saw a quaint and peaceful farmhouse. Though the horizon and sky were slate gray, there was a warm light in the farmhouse. From that moment, Frankl deduced that a light was shining in his darkness:

"Et lux in tenebris lucet"- and the light shineth in the darkness.

I thought very long and meditatively about that story and about the Latin quote that Frankly used to personify it. It defines who I want to be, both personally and professionally. I want to be the light in someone's darkness. I don't want to be a source of sadness, anxiety, distrust, or anger. I want to be light.

If we all are a light to someone else...where could there be dark?

On My Mind Tonight

To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.

-Shakespeare, Hamlet

body and mind

As the biting cold wind entered my lungs on this morning's run, conversely, my face was warmed by the sun. I could feel the strain of my muscles and the pain of my inhalation at the same time that I felt the joy of being on the trail and the peace of hearing my breath in harmony with my feet. For today was the first day since I had surgery six weeks ago that I ran.

The body is an incredible machine. To think that I was unable to walk unassisted this time 6 weeks ago...and that today I was running, is fantastic to me. It is symbolic not only of our body's great capacity for transformation and healing but also of our mind's and our spirit's. It was a solid, fleshly reminder to me that in due time, all things heal.

This week was also a week for great accomplishment of my mind. I was celebrated for having a 4.0 gpa and was encouraged to apply for a grant, which I did. I have to say- 4.0 in a Bachelor's of Science program!! Ok...moment of bragging is over.

But still...
4.0 :-)

This one body. This one mind. This one spirit and this one soul. All working together for this finite time, on this finite planet. How can each day, scratch that- each moment- not be perceived as a complete and genuine miracle?

Eager

There are some dreams that I have had for my life and imagined I'd always have. For a few of them, it does not appear that they will turn out as I'd expected. But as I am coming to learn, it is not about what I expect. It's about my purpose; and only God knows what that is.

I am sooooo excited to have an opportunity coming up in front of me. It's an opportunity to put many of the best skills I possess into action. Where I would have imagined that these skills would have been used in a different circumstance, I understand more now why they haven't been. I will soon be committing to a weekly volunteer position directly involved with young children and women in crisis. One on one. OMG! It thrills me. I can't wait. I can't wait to listen, to care, to mother, to hold, to love. I can't wait to weep, to cry, to laugh, and to smile for others. I can't wait to shine a light into the lives of those experiencing their darkest times.

While I know this road will be tough, I am eager. I know the time commitment - with tending to my family, being in school full time and working full time- will be tough. At least I don't have to worry about a social life; this time commitment will pretty much absorb any chance of that :-) Which truly is completely fine by me.

To be entrusted with another's pain is such a gift. I am a sponge and an absorber. It's been my blessing and my curse. I have left jobs and I have left relationships because of it. My niche and my strength is in my empathy for people in pain. Some people like to fix cars. I like to fix people. The only catch is, everyday people don't like to see themselves as broken. But if I place myself in the arena FOR those that are broken and in crisis, I will excel. I want to work with the broken...the deepest of those in our society. I want to work with prison inmates, or adolescents in crisis units, or schizophrenics. Abnormal behavior fascinates me. But until I know what I am doing for those with biological basis for their illnesses, I will be so blessed to work with those in deeply unfortunate life circumstances.

I ask that the Lord guide and protect me. I ask that He give me the right words to say to those looking to me to say them. I ask that the Lord continue to place me exactly where He needs me in order to do His work. And above all, I thank Him. For though I find frustration in my normal day to day tasks that appear to not be serving mankind in any great capacity, only He knows that by leading me to this opportunity and by broadening my own ideas of what I thought I needed, He knows exactly what He is doing.

Amen.

You and I

It's come to my attention that the post I wrote below on my feelings about my father's death has been very beneficial to some people who have read it.

I am so glad, for that was my entire goal in opening myself up to the vulnerability and the pain. Thank you for reaching out to me, whether through a friend or directly.

None of us are alone.

Do's

Do one thing you fear every day. Courage is a beautiful thing and lifts us up like eagles.

Do it and do it afraid.

Laugh every day. If you can't laugh at yourself...find someone to make you laugh. Make someone else laugh. There is a man whom I admire greatly. He is a world spiritual and political leader. His life has been a life of great integrity, restraint, faith, and wisdom. Yet any interview you see with him shows him laughing constantly...without any bashfulness or shame. It does nothing to his credibility as a serious individual other than completely elevate it- because life is funny.

Live like him...his holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama.

Remain consistent.  Be who you genuinely are-everywhere. Do not change for circumstances, people, situations, or environments. That is not living a genuine and honest life. Do not alter who you are according to how you want certain populations to perceive you.

Do not hide.

Fall.  Take a chance. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Confide in someone. Trust someone. Get up and go. Stay in the quiet with yourself and think. Stay still. Move. Quit. Ask for a raise. Do the opposite of what brings you stagnation. Do it with respect for yourself and with respect for others. Do it unselfishlessly.

Do it in love.

anger within the deepest love

I've toyed with the idea of writing this publicly. The things I plan to share here are raw, extremely personal and very painful. I am not an exhibitionist and I have always been slightly paranoid about the Internet (thanks, mom). But I decided that none of the feelings I have here about this are unique to me. I know people who will read this have or will suffer an enormous loss in their lives. It is the life we live.
Therefore, if any of what I am about to write brings someone comfort that you are not alone, I am honored. Because you're not.

A psychology professor recently told me that women do not cry from sadness. We cry because we are raging. She told the men in the class that if their partners cried during an argument, then the men have not "won" and the argument is far from over: the woman is raging. She is angry...very very angry.
The women kind of snickered at this. Including myself. I never really think of myself as "raging". But then I gave it some thought...and the recent times I have cried hard. And damn if she wasn't totally right.

She also said during the same class that when one has suffered the loss of a family member, it is ok to be mad with them. Mad and angry. I never really thought about this. When you lose someone, it's not really "acceptable" to be angry during the time your are mourning. However, it is a very true component of loss.

I am writing about it here is because I am tired of hiding it.

• I am angry with you for leaving, far far before you ever said you would.
• I am angry with you for leaving in the middle of the night, without warning, without me ever getting the chance to truly tell you how in love your little girl was with her daddy.
• I am angry with you for not allowing a funeral.
• I am angry with you for never being a grandfather.
• I am angry with you for never knowing your grand daughter.
• I am angry with you for how you have changed my family- my perfect family...forever.
• I am angry with you because when I need your common sense...the only person on the planet that could level with me like you always did- you are not there.
• I am angry with you because you'd be so freakin proud of me and you're not here to see it, tell me it, or brag about it like you used to love to.
• I am angry with you because you have never known me as a mother.
• I am angry with you because your death broke me.
• I am angry with you because our adult relationship had just started to emerge when you left me.
• I am angry because you left your little girl in this scary world without you.
• I am angry because you are not here to tell me that I have "fucked up" like you did when I was going through a rough patch at 20 years old. It hurt but you were right. No one else can reach me like that, and now is the time I need it the most.
• I am angry with you because there is no one who gives a shit like you used to about listening to my poker games.
• I am angry with you because you are not here to give me the hugs that would envelope me and make me feel like it was just you and me against the world.
• I am angry with you because I am a shadow of the person you knew me to be since you left and I don't know how to get who I was back without you.
• I am angry because I don't know where you are.

I am angry because you were my immortal. You were larger than life. Nothing could beat you. But you let life beat you. I know that sounds ridiculous...but you were never supposed to leave me.

I was and continue to be completely unprepared for the emotions that I have over your death. What I have come to realize is that time does not heal this. That's a lie. Time does nothing to the pain one feels over the death of another. The searing, ripping, hot stabs in your heart do lessen a little as time goes by. But grief only evolves into different hues and shades of itself.

What I also know is that despite all of this pain, I am emerging stronger. I am showing courage where I never thought I could. I feel your resilience and your stubbornness inside of me. I feel your drive and your constant reminders of honesty, communication and morality.

Damn, I am so much like you. I love you. I miss you.

My Mentor

I've said it before. God gives us exactly what we need, precisely when we need it. If there is any confusion in my life, it is only made more clear by knowing that I am where I need to be simply because God has placed me here. After acknowledging that, a sense of comfort fulfills me, even in the midst of chaos.

I spent a very long time enjoying the company of a mentor of mine. She probably doesn't know that's how I see her, but it is. She is 10 years my senior and we've been friends for about that long. She's beautiful, wise, strong, confidant, funny as an idiot and did I mention beautiful? I love her so so much. I feel like her little sister when I am with her, under her guidance and her wing. I can (and do) tell her everything, because trying to hide any of my feelings from her is simply an exercise in futility. I don't get to see her but once every several months, yet it's literally like it's been a week between get togethers.

She told me last night something that she said she knows for sure: she said that when God is ready to elevate you out of a situation, He will. When God is ready to change a situation, He will. Nothing may make sense. But it's because God's timing is only known to Him. She said she has lived this time and time again and gave me a very recent and extremely painful example in her life.

Trusting in God and His plan will NOT keep us from falling. At all. But it is God's grace that will pick us up every time. That is something I know for sure.

Two very different women, two very different view points and outlooks on the world based on our own life's experiences. Yet we always have each other's back.
I love you, my friend :)

Because He is Lord

In case you have forgotten. Or ignored. Or hidden, or faked it, or been hurt by it, or been ostracized by His people, or been lied to...

He has not forgotten. Or ignored. Or hidden from you, faked His love, hurt you intentionally, and never ever forsaken you.

He is Greater- way more stronger, than his people.

"Most of all, let love guide your life" col 3:14

http://christdaily.tumblr.com/

What's the Point?

Today, I drove somewhere and I decided about half way there, that I wasn't motivated to go. So I thought of some other things I needed to do- got halfway there, and decided I wasn't in the mood to do those things either. THEN- I decided I needed to finish up some Christmas shopping. But I had this nagging feeling ... this lack of interest in shopping. It was not money, or crowds, or effort. It was simply- I am tired of acquiring.

Now- let's not get drastic here; I am known to enjoy a Coach purse (or two) and currently have a Tiffany bracelet on my left wrist (a gift, but still...). It's just that over these last several weeks, I feel like I have acquired some pretty major (and several minor) things by not only Christmas shopping but for myself. And in the end- these are just...
things.

Here's some perspective:
in 50 years, it is a strong possibility that I will be gone. There will be a handful of people who will remember me...maybe even a few hundred.
in 100 years, I will (still) be gone. There will be substantially less people who remember me and even more importantly still, of those few people who do, less and less will speak my name or utter my deeds.
in 150 years I will (you are catching on now...) be gone. There will likely be no constant verbal recall of my name through stories or deeds.
in 250 years, it will be as though I never existed.

Damn.

This is true for many of us. Most of us, really. It's SAD!! It brings so much perspective home. It leads me one of two ways: if none of this really matters, I can go grab as much as I want to make my short time here on Earth as enjoyable as possible for me and for those around me. That seems pretty selfish to me.

I can also realize that none of these things matter. That what matters - i think- is my relationships. What matters is the people I surround myself with. What matters to me...is the light I can bring to another person. Not being moody, or irritable, or overly sensitive, or defensive, or overly reliant. All of these things I currently am so let me just wish a little here. I think it is relationships that matter the most

What kind of taste will your name bring to someone who utters it? Now- and in the future? Are you happy with that answer? Does it make you a little nervous?

I think my plain lack of resolve to do anything shopping-related today was a big lesson for me.
What did I do instead? I put a knit cap on my baby girl, drove to the park, popped her in her stroller, and took her on a walk. She "talked" to me about the dogs she saw, the blue jays, her stuffed animal, and a million other fantastical jabberings from a two and a half year old little girl.

THAT was the point.

Thanks and Giving

As promised, below are some shots I took while out on a photography session. The trees have been losing their brilliant fall colors and I knew I had to get out and catch them before all of the leaves fell, exposing bare winter branches. Below are a few of my favorite shots.

The blending of two colors...the leaning in of the trees over a large and expansive walkway...the solitude of this picture yet the completeness of it. Ya- I love it.

I have always enjoyed filling a lens with complete color. From left to right, from top to bottom- rich, full- bodied color. And this orange just took my breath away.

This reminded me a bit of cranberry orange bread. I think I've had that before...around holiday time. I remember it being good...but this was so much better :). And less caloric.

Color. Color. And color.

I wanted to focus here on what was beyond the leaves directly in front of me. I wanted to focus towards something farther away. This is a metaphor-picture for me. I sometimes want to let what may be in front of me right this minute fade and blur...so that I can focus on all of the beautiful things waiting ahead.

This Thanksgiving has been different for me this year. Different than ever before. I am thankful and I have enjoyed giving of myself and my cooking today. The neighbors should have a belly full of home made mashed potatoes from scratch, sausage apple stuffing and of course, a 20 lb turkey which took about 8 hours to cook. I think I will smell turkey for about a week in my hair.

Thanks and giving. May the same be true for you today.

Change

Today I noticed for the first time this year, that the trees have begun their winter transition. California gets a small taste of what is apparently mind blowing back east- the transition from green trees to the brilliant colors of red, orange, and yellow. Since the California trees are all I've known for most of my life, I don't have anything else to compare the winter color changes to and I find it to be extraordinary, every year. Expect some picture results of my grabbing my camera and a mocha and heading out to take some shots of these beautiful trees in the near future.

It made me think of change. Around us at this time of year is so much change. The nights become longer, the house becomes colder, seasonal tastes change from summer fuity flavors to warm rich flavors- and as a popular icon of American culture, the Starbucks cups change from the white with green to the red with white snowflakes. Ah, how the Pavlovian responses crowd those Starbucks stores with people scrambling for a taste of gingerbread or peppermint mochas.

Change is so constant. Not only in our lives but mirrored by the natural world around us. But why? What's the point? Why change? Naturally, the answer is: to grow. To shed the old and bring in the new. To keep learning, evolving, and hopefully- progressing. But again- WHY? What's the point?

I've been keeping some interesting company lately: psychology students. And in these students are a few atheists and some quasi Christians. And then me. Discussions have been phenomenal. Eye opening. Revealing. I've had myself corrected, challenged and (somewhat) philosophically lifted off my pedestal into thinking maybe ... just maybe, I have been wrong.

Before you get excited- of course, I have discovered I am NOT wrong in my convictions and beliefs. But it is completely titillating to be challenged by people wiser, more experienced, and less impressed with myself, than myself. Humbling. Addicting. Truthful. Insightful.

So again- I ask. Why change? An atheist might say that it's strictly a matter of biology and propagation of the species; man's only purpose. A devout religious believer would say it is the purpose of our Lord to constantly evolve us to serve God and His purposes. And I guess I say: it's for a purpose beyond what I can know or understand. I believe that change is growth. I believe that if we stay the same and stagnant, then we remain the same and stagnant. I believe we are each here on Earth for the purpose of furthering our soul's evolution and ultimate potential. Why?

I don't know. And I don't think I need to know. I don't think I need to make something up as a way of separating all that is good about me into a being outside of me. I believe all that is good of me lives within me, including my potential for greatness and kindness in this world. If I do not stumble, if I do not fall or cry or make mistakes or tumble violently downhill- I do not have the chance to pick myself up. I do not have the chance to make myself better- to change and to evolve.

Nothing good stays the same.

Make sure, this winter- you look up. There is brilliance in the trees.

arms

i. a.d.o.r.e.



Truth

After church today I set out on a little adventure to take some photos. I felt very driven to take pictures of things that I was directed to...and not necessarily that I was drawn to personally. I felt directed to take photos of things that I felt represented Truth. I didn't want to take photos of people or of myself. Frankly...because in people there can be miss-truths, deception. But in objects there is no deception- only existence, and the simplicity in that is both beautiful and powerful.

I knew I had found the right place when as I got out of the car to take my first shot, I noticed that I was directly placed between two extremely significant numbers in my life. I was on the right track, and doing what it was that I needed to do.

I was first inspired by this shot because of the fall leaf colors. I appreciated the strong grasp of the angel on the cross and I loved the greenery in the background.



After the comma on this memorial follows a very lengthy and personal note to this woman's father. I always pause to read it when I am here as I am surprised at the raw emotion memorialized in this granite forever. It's very vulnerable. The first part is vulnerable enough for me. So it's here, in this shot.



Gorgeous, beautiful angels. The second had a rain drop on her chin that caught the light.

It looked like a tear.

It was apropos that I got on my knees to take this shot. I love the halo behind the cross.

To me, this is the crux. To love, be loved and give love. Freely. To love those who you have wronged and those who have wronged you. None of the things I saw today said "great employee" or "will be missed for her ability to meet deadlines". The words people choose to remember others by are those that we may choose to live by, while we are still here: family, humor, love, wife, husband, mother, father, kindness.

Honesty.

SUCCESS

To laugh often and much
to win the respect of intelligent people
and affection of children; to earn the
appreciation of honest critics and
endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit
better, whether by a healthy child
a garden patch or redeemed
social condition; to know even
one life has breathed easier because
you have lived. This is to have
succeeded.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson



Goodness

God is so good. He gives us exactly what we need at the exact time that we need it. I have never really truly seen or appreciated that as much as I believe I have in the recent times of my life. It's truly a marvel to me.  And I am very, very grateful.

I don't know what to make of what has come into my life other than that right now. And that is being grateful, being blessed, and being happy. I'm not going to overthink :-) Just going to be ... well, just going to "be".

Nothing is worth more than this day.  ~ Goethe

Muse: Unintended: Perfect

How Do I Think of This Stuff?

Consciousness. Sometimes I can't even spell it correctly. But it's been on my mind lately (pun intended) for varying reasons and I wanted to ponder it here.

Because our entire universe is made up of consciousness, we never really experience the universe directly we just experience our consciousness of the universe, our perception of it, so right, our only universe is perception.  Alan Moore

This is really the gist of it. I completely agree with what Alan Moore has said above. And I'd like to take some time to write about it. According to Wikipedia, Alan Moore is an acclaimed comic book writer and somewhat of an interesting character. But to me, he nailed my concept of consciousness above.

Have you ever wondered if what you are seeing with your eyes is really what is around you? We have several methods to perceive what is around us: sight, touch, sense, hearing. But imagine for a moment you are blind. You are launched into a world of darkness. Is what you see now in front of you actually there? Or just so because you perceive it is there? You can touch it and you can bump into it (I'm currently thinking about my dresser as I imagine this...) but is it truly there?

Before you wonder what I've smoked tonight, let me allay your concerns and tell you that I have not done anything to alter my perception of my perceptions :-) Just like I said...been on my mind lately.

Let's take a less concrete example than the dresser. We can pretty much gather through proven fact and scientific data that the dresser I see here in my bedroom is in fact, there. Line 10 people up (but please allow me to put on a sweater or something) here in my room and barring any visual impairments, 10 out of 10 people will agree that my dresser is indeed in the corner where I perceive it.

But...if we take something less concrete, things get more complicated. Perhaps it is my perception of a circumstance, or my perception of a situation, or my perception of a relationship. These perceptions become my reality and serve as parts of my consciousness. However, these perceptions can and often are completely false. Does that make my reality a falsehood and if so, does it also my consciousness? What makes someone else's perception of the way I perceive them to be more correct than my own? Because I cannot perceive something as someone else does, does that always make my perceptions right- for me?

I think this is where empathy comes in. Empathy really is the ability to perceive someone else's emotions and to respond appropriately to them (sympathy, feeling, etc). The lack of empathy for other human beings is a key characteristic in personality disorders such as narcissism and sociopathy- scary stuff. I trend towards the overly empathetic side of things but gravitate towards those with little empathy for my circumstances. A strange balance.

Empathy plays into perception because I think it can change perception. If I can have empathy for someone else, it may change what I had perceived as my truth; or at least shed some light on it. For those who lack empathy...what is their perception of life like? What is their consciousness like? Do I even...want to know?

I do- from a collegial perspective. Put me in a room (throw a muscle-ripped guard in there with me for good measure) with a psychopath or a schizophrenic and I am one happy camper. I love the abnormal mind. And I kind of think...the abnormal mind loves me. I have been pondering working in prison psychology or perhaps at a prison where the criminals are classified as insane.

It all circles back for me about the awareness of the fact that my consciousness and my perceptions are not always going to be what is truly happening. In fact, that is going to be rare. People I meet daily (who are not criminally insane) perceive completely different realities than I do. Isn't that so strange?! How do we even function as a human race...bumping into each other on all these strange planes of reality and perception. I think that's where the soulmate concept comes in. It's someone you meet who is really on that same plane you are- who really does perceive things in a very similar fashion as you do and who is conscious truly on the same, or similar, level as you. And you know it instantly. And you can't separate from them...time and/or distance will never let it go. It defies explanation.

I have a friend like that. She was my very first friend whom I met in kindergarten. We grew up together and drifted apart when I moved away to go to high school. Several years later, I discovered that she lived only a few miles from me in the same city. We'd had an amazing amount of similar circumstances through the years we were apart and though it seemed like coincidence to us, we both knew- we just float on the same frequency. We always have and we always will. A soul mate. Awesome pick up line, by the way: "Hey, I sense you vibrate on the same frequency as I do, thus making our perceptions of realities very similar and elevating our sense of consciousness- together."

Flying around this very town, state, country, hemisphere and universe are an infinite number of perceptions. Every circumstance will be perceived in infinite ways. This tangled web and matrix somehow becomes our reality- and that reality is what makes us conscious, sentient beings. It seems so complicated. But is it? What's keeping it all in order? How is order in a world like this even possible? What is spinning that complicated web?

As Mr. Moore said above, our only Universe is perception.
And by the way, the girlfriend I was talking about above? One of my soul mates? Her last name is Moore. Go figure.

Inspiration

Because even in the midst of a weeping willow, the sun will always- always, shine through.



Missing It

This is a picture of where I was honored enough to walk tonight. After a few detours up a hill and down to the water to just sit and listen, it started to get dark. I noticed I hadn't seen anyone for about 30 minutes and I got a little creeped out. But alas, here I am- home safe and in the mood to blog. So I start with this beautiful shot:

Now that that's out of the way, something has been on my mind lately. The other day, I was sitting at a coffee shop in the morning and there was some drama outside. Police were called for a man who was wandering the streets and putting himself in front of moving traffic. Shortly thereafter, the medics were called; presumably for a 5150. I saw one of the guys get out of the rig and he had the label EMT on his back. It got me thinking...

I totally miss it. I miss the excitement of a call. I miss the camaraderie of the fire, police and EMS. I miss the second family; always having each other's backs and never EVER selling someone out. I miss the humor, the family of dozens of brothers. I miss the medical challenges, the coffee runs, the Code 3s, the totally inappropriate  jokes because sometimes it was truly better to laugh than cry. I miss the medical challenges, the feeling of helping someone on the worst day of their lives. I miss being with a partner who usually, because I was a young female EMT, would protect me and take control of the scene. I miss The Scene. The drama, lights, adrenaline. I miss how my partners knew every single possible fast food joint within a twenty mile radius and had nicknames for all of them; usually disgusting. I miss the magic of NarCan :-) I miss radio codes and universal precautions. I miss the time I was on a call at 2am and grabbed a map to locate the place we were going...and my partner's horrified tone when he said "you do not need to rotate the map upside down, Destiny". I miss the 24 hour station in Oakland where we were told to sleep below the  (barred) windows to protect ourselves from drive by shootings. Wowah. 

The feelings of the things I do not miss prevail. I do not miss the calls with kids involved. The spitting and swearing of someone who's high we wrecked by saving his life with medicine. I don't miss the CPR that never worked. I don't miss living in parking lots, nor the call that comes in at 7:45am when I'm off at 8am. I don't miss identifying a little too much with the young blond woman who died in a tragic MVA. I don't miss talking to the 18 y/o dead guy from a GSW -  about why his life had gone so wrong and that I had hoped he was in a much more peaceful place. I don't miss the anxiety.

When EMS is in you, it's always in you. I don't know anyone in EMS who would disagree. It will always be in me. And that scene the other day in the coffee shop got me thinkng.

Hmm...

My Brother

My brother is wonderful. Not only does he answer me in texts simply by saying "Wurd" (spelled as such), but he really is a very special guy. He is real. He is funny. He is witty and very smart. He is 6 foot 9 inches. And after several years, I finally learned what he actually does for a living (Chief of Engineering- still vague but better than telling people he made software parts).

We went for a hike together with Betsy Rue, his puppy, down in San Jose. He mapped out our course and emailed me a few trail choices last week. My brother also is a planner and he thinks ahead. He learned that from our dad. I chose the tougher trail- I was up for it and am somewhat of an experienced hiker. We rocked it. He let me borrow his hiking pole, which after I bent over it and grabbed my back like an elderly woman (making him laugh), actually proved to be a helluva asset. Without it, my thighs would have been screaming. More than they were.

I knew when we reached a communication tower that we had hiked high. We had hiked well and we had hiked high. I followed my brother's lead by learning from him how to use the hiking pole and when to take breaks. We both had times when we were out of breath- the only sound between us the digging of our poles and our feet in the trail moving in unison. It was great.

Siblings are the only people who really know what it was like to be raised in our families. My brother and I both spoke of my dad a few times; something we thought he'd say or perhaps would have done. We saw a quail and my brother said "them good eatin's, as dad would say...". I never heard my dad say that. My brother was a lot closer to my dad and it is wonderful to learn more about him through my brother.

I am not going to get overly analytical or emotional about the hike. I could- easily. Suffice it to say- it was very meaningful to me. It was special and unique and I would have done that whole loop again if it meant I could have spent more precious time with him.

Plus, I learned his Ford Raptor was made especially for him- over 6 months built to his specifications and then shipped to him from factory. Excuse me, but that seriously completes him as The Bomb. In my eyes.

A Brother is a Friend, Given by Nature.



Hi.

I noticed something today. My daughter is at an age where she says "hi" to absolutely everyone. She will make her rounds at a restaurant, stopping to wave and say "hi" to each waiter, customer and virtually anyone that will look at her. Even to people who do not look at her.

She made her way through our packed church lobby this morning waving "hi" at everyone. Evvveryone. There is a second story in the looby with a landing and my girl looked up, found a willing participant looking down over the lobby and waved at him until he saw her, smiled and waved back.

As her mommy, and as an adult somewhat acclimated to the social nuances of being an adult, sometimes- it's a little off putting. Most people love it. They absolutely light up at being SEEN. I have seen the saddest and most distant faces light up like a Christmas tree at being seen and waved at by a beautiful little girl. That's not what is off putting.

What is unslettling is those who look so dismal and even after being waved at and said hello to, continue to remain dismal. Not only does my daughter notice this and a shadow will cross her face as she decides to move on (which makes me sad) but I notice it. And it makes me think.

When do we stop seeing each other? When do we stop saying or even initiating a "hi" to someone? What age does that come when we think that not many people actually want to say hi to us? Is my daughter already noticing this? When will the light in her fade as she understands that not everyone will be delighted to hear from her? Some people will be scared, sad, uneasy, nervous, angry or even disappointed to hear from her. I think there is still a a part of me that loves saying "hi" to people. I hope that this light always remains in my daughter.

Children can teach us so much. To those you love, appreciate, find humor or delight in- please today say "hi". Take that communication leap and let them know that today, you SEE them.

I betcha you'll get a smile.