What's the Point?

Today, I drove somewhere and I decided about half way there, that I wasn't motivated to go. So I thought of some other things I needed to do- got halfway there, and decided I wasn't in the mood to do those things either. THEN- I decided I needed to finish up some Christmas shopping. But I had this nagging feeling ... this lack of interest in shopping. It was not money, or crowds, or effort. It was simply- I am tired of acquiring.

Now- let's not get drastic here; I am known to enjoy a Coach purse (or two) and currently have a Tiffany bracelet on my left wrist (a gift, but still...). It's just that over these last several weeks, I feel like I have acquired some pretty major (and several minor) things by not only Christmas shopping but for myself. And in the end- these are just...
things.

Here's some perspective:
in 50 years, it is a strong possibility that I will be gone. There will be a handful of people who will remember me...maybe even a few hundred.
in 100 years, I will (still) be gone. There will be substantially less people who remember me and even more importantly still, of those few people who do, less and less will speak my name or utter my deeds.
in 150 years I will (you are catching on now...) be gone. There will likely be no constant verbal recall of my name through stories or deeds.
in 250 years, it will be as though I never existed.

Damn.

This is true for many of us. Most of us, really. It's SAD!! It brings so much perspective home. It leads me one of two ways: if none of this really matters, I can go grab as much as I want to make my short time here on Earth as enjoyable as possible for me and for those around me. That seems pretty selfish to me.

I can also realize that none of these things matter. That what matters - i think- is my relationships. What matters is the people I surround myself with. What matters to me...is the light I can bring to another person. Not being moody, or irritable, or overly sensitive, or defensive, or overly reliant. All of these things I currently am so let me just wish a little here. I think it is relationships that matter the most

What kind of taste will your name bring to someone who utters it? Now- and in the future? Are you happy with that answer? Does it make you a little nervous?

I think my plain lack of resolve to do anything shopping-related today was a big lesson for me.
What did I do instead? I put a knit cap on my baby girl, drove to the park, popped her in her stroller, and took her on a walk. She "talked" to me about the dogs she saw, the blue jays, her stuffed animal, and a million other fantastical jabberings from a two and a half year old little girl.

THAT was the point.

Thanks and Giving

As promised, below are some shots I took while out on a photography session. The trees have been losing their brilliant fall colors and I knew I had to get out and catch them before all of the leaves fell, exposing bare winter branches. Below are a few of my favorite shots.

The blending of two colors...the leaning in of the trees over a large and expansive walkway...the solitude of this picture yet the completeness of it. Ya- I love it.

I have always enjoyed filling a lens with complete color. From left to right, from top to bottom- rich, full- bodied color. And this orange just took my breath away.

This reminded me a bit of cranberry orange bread. I think I've had that before...around holiday time. I remember it being good...but this was so much better :). And less caloric.

Color. Color. And color.

I wanted to focus here on what was beyond the leaves directly in front of me. I wanted to focus towards something farther away. This is a metaphor-picture for me. I sometimes want to let what may be in front of me right this minute fade and blur...so that I can focus on all of the beautiful things waiting ahead.

This Thanksgiving has been different for me this year. Different than ever before. I am thankful and I have enjoyed giving of myself and my cooking today. The neighbors should have a belly full of home made mashed potatoes from scratch, sausage apple stuffing and of course, a 20 lb turkey which took about 8 hours to cook. I think I will smell turkey for about a week in my hair.

Thanks and giving. May the same be true for you today.

Change

Today I noticed for the first time this year, that the trees have begun their winter transition. California gets a small taste of what is apparently mind blowing back east- the transition from green trees to the brilliant colors of red, orange, and yellow. Since the California trees are all I've known for most of my life, I don't have anything else to compare the winter color changes to and I find it to be extraordinary, every year. Expect some picture results of my grabbing my camera and a mocha and heading out to take some shots of these beautiful trees in the near future.

It made me think of change. Around us at this time of year is so much change. The nights become longer, the house becomes colder, seasonal tastes change from summer fuity flavors to warm rich flavors- and as a popular icon of American culture, the Starbucks cups change from the white with green to the red with white snowflakes. Ah, how the Pavlovian responses crowd those Starbucks stores with people scrambling for a taste of gingerbread or peppermint mochas.

Change is so constant. Not only in our lives but mirrored by the natural world around us. But why? What's the point? Why change? Naturally, the answer is: to grow. To shed the old and bring in the new. To keep learning, evolving, and hopefully- progressing. But again- WHY? What's the point?

I've been keeping some interesting company lately: psychology students. And in these students are a few atheists and some quasi Christians. And then me. Discussions have been phenomenal. Eye opening. Revealing. I've had myself corrected, challenged and (somewhat) philosophically lifted off my pedestal into thinking maybe ... just maybe, I have been wrong.

Before you get excited- of course, I have discovered I am NOT wrong in my convictions and beliefs. But it is completely titillating to be challenged by people wiser, more experienced, and less impressed with myself, than myself. Humbling. Addicting. Truthful. Insightful.

So again- I ask. Why change? An atheist might say that it's strictly a matter of biology and propagation of the species; man's only purpose. A devout religious believer would say it is the purpose of our Lord to constantly evolve us to serve God and His purposes. And I guess I say: it's for a purpose beyond what I can know or understand. I believe that change is growth. I believe that if we stay the same and stagnant, then we remain the same and stagnant. I believe we are each here on Earth for the purpose of furthering our soul's evolution and ultimate potential. Why?

I don't know. And I don't think I need to know. I don't think I need to make something up as a way of separating all that is good about me into a being outside of me. I believe all that is good of me lives within me, including my potential for greatness and kindness in this world. If I do not stumble, if I do not fall or cry or make mistakes or tumble violently downhill- I do not have the chance to pick myself up. I do not have the chance to make myself better- to change and to evolve.

Nothing good stays the same.

Make sure, this winter- you look up. There is brilliance in the trees.

arms

i. a.d.o.r.e.



Truth

After church today I set out on a little adventure to take some photos. I felt very driven to take pictures of things that I was directed to...and not necessarily that I was drawn to personally. I felt directed to take photos of things that I felt represented Truth. I didn't want to take photos of people or of myself. Frankly...because in people there can be miss-truths, deception. But in objects there is no deception- only existence, and the simplicity in that is both beautiful and powerful.

I knew I had found the right place when as I got out of the car to take my first shot, I noticed that I was directly placed between two extremely significant numbers in my life. I was on the right track, and doing what it was that I needed to do.

I was first inspired by this shot because of the fall leaf colors. I appreciated the strong grasp of the angel on the cross and I loved the greenery in the background.



After the comma on this memorial follows a very lengthy and personal note to this woman's father. I always pause to read it when I am here as I am surprised at the raw emotion memorialized in this granite forever. It's very vulnerable. The first part is vulnerable enough for me. So it's here, in this shot.



Gorgeous, beautiful angels. The second had a rain drop on her chin that caught the light.

It looked like a tear.

It was apropos that I got on my knees to take this shot. I love the halo behind the cross.

To me, this is the crux. To love, be loved and give love. Freely. To love those who you have wronged and those who have wronged you. None of the things I saw today said "great employee" or "will be missed for her ability to meet deadlines". The words people choose to remember others by are those that we may choose to live by, while we are still here: family, humor, love, wife, husband, mother, father, kindness.

Honesty.

SUCCESS

To laugh often and much
to win the respect of intelligent people
and affection of children; to earn the
appreciation of honest critics and
endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit
better, whether by a healthy child
a garden patch or redeemed
social condition; to know even
one life has breathed easier because
you have lived. This is to have
succeeded.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson



Goodness

God is so good. He gives us exactly what we need at the exact time that we need it. I have never really truly seen or appreciated that as much as I believe I have in the recent times of my life. It's truly a marvel to me.  And I am very, very grateful.

I don't know what to make of what has come into my life other than that right now. And that is being grateful, being blessed, and being happy. I'm not going to overthink :-) Just going to be ... well, just going to "be".

Nothing is worth more than this day.  ~ Goethe

Muse: Unintended: Perfect

How Do I Think of This Stuff?

Consciousness. Sometimes I can't even spell it correctly. But it's been on my mind lately (pun intended) for varying reasons and I wanted to ponder it here.

Because our entire universe is made up of consciousness, we never really experience the universe directly we just experience our consciousness of the universe, our perception of it, so right, our only universe is perception.  Alan Moore

This is really the gist of it. I completely agree with what Alan Moore has said above. And I'd like to take some time to write about it. According to Wikipedia, Alan Moore is an acclaimed comic book writer and somewhat of an interesting character. But to me, he nailed my concept of consciousness above.

Have you ever wondered if what you are seeing with your eyes is really what is around you? We have several methods to perceive what is around us: sight, touch, sense, hearing. But imagine for a moment you are blind. You are launched into a world of darkness. Is what you see now in front of you actually there? Or just so because you perceive it is there? You can touch it and you can bump into it (I'm currently thinking about my dresser as I imagine this...) but is it truly there?

Before you wonder what I've smoked tonight, let me allay your concerns and tell you that I have not done anything to alter my perception of my perceptions :-) Just like I said...been on my mind lately.

Let's take a less concrete example than the dresser. We can pretty much gather through proven fact and scientific data that the dresser I see here in my bedroom is in fact, there. Line 10 people up (but please allow me to put on a sweater or something) here in my room and barring any visual impairments, 10 out of 10 people will agree that my dresser is indeed in the corner where I perceive it.

But...if we take something less concrete, things get more complicated. Perhaps it is my perception of a circumstance, or my perception of a situation, or my perception of a relationship. These perceptions become my reality and serve as parts of my consciousness. However, these perceptions can and often are completely false. Does that make my reality a falsehood and if so, does it also my consciousness? What makes someone else's perception of the way I perceive them to be more correct than my own? Because I cannot perceive something as someone else does, does that always make my perceptions right- for me?

I think this is where empathy comes in. Empathy really is the ability to perceive someone else's emotions and to respond appropriately to them (sympathy, feeling, etc). The lack of empathy for other human beings is a key characteristic in personality disorders such as narcissism and sociopathy- scary stuff. I trend towards the overly empathetic side of things but gravitate towards those with little empathy for my circumstances. A strange balance.

Empathy plays into perception because I think it can change perception. If I can have empathy for someone else, it may change what I had perceived as my truth; or at least shed some light on it. For those who lack empathy...what is their perception of life like? What is their consciousness like? Do I even...want to know?

I do- from a collegial perspective. Put me in a room (throw a muscle-ripped guard in there with me for good measure) with a psychopath or a schizophrenic and I am one happy camper. I love the abnormal mind. And I kind of think...the abnormal mind loves me. I have been pondering working in prison psychology or perhaps at a prison where the criminals are classified as insane.

It all circles back for me about the awareness of the fact that my consciousness and my perceptions are not always going to be what is truly happening. In fact, that is going to be rare. People I meet daily (who are not criminally insane) perceive completely different realities than I do. Isn't that so strange?! How do we even function as a human race...bumping into each other on all these strange planes of reality and perception. I think that's where the soulmate concept comes in. It's someone you meet who is really on that same plane you are- who really does perceive things in a very similar fashion as you do and who is conscious truly on the same, or similar, level as you. And you know it instantly. And you can't separate from them...time and/or distance will never let it go. It defies explanation.

I have a friend like that. She was my very first friend whom I met in kindergarten. We grew up together and drifted apart when I moved away to go to high school. Several years later, I discovered that she lived only a few miles from me in the same city. We'd had an amazing amount of similar circumstances through the years we were apart and though it seemed like coincidence to us, we both knew- we just float on the same frequency. We always have and we always will. A soul mate. Awesome pick up line, by the way: "Hey, I sense you vibrate on the same frequency as I do, thus making our perceptions of realities very similar and elevating our sense of consciousness- together."

Flying around this very town, state, country, hemisphere and universe are an infinite number of perceptions. Every circumstance will be perceived in infinite ways. This tangled web and matrix somehow becomes our reality- and that reality is what makes us conscious, sentient beings. It seems so complicated. But is it? What's keeping it all in order? How is order in a world like this even possible? What is spinning that complicated web?

As Mr. Moore said above, our only Universe is perception.
And by the way, the girlfriend I was talking about above? One of my soul mates? Her last name is Moore. Go figure.

Inspiration

Because even in the midst of a weeping willow, the sun will always- always, shine through.



Missing It

This is a picture of where I was honored enough to walk tonight. After a few detours up a hill and down to the water to just sit and listen, it started to get dark. I noticed I hadn't seen anyone for about 30 minutes and I got a little creeped out. But alas, here I am- home safe and in the mood to blog. So I start with this beautiful shot:

Now that that's out of the way, something has been on my mind lately. The other day, I was sitting at a coffee shop in the morning and there was some drama outside. Police were called for a man who was wandering the streets and putting himself in front of moving traffic. Shortly thereafter, the medics were called; presumably for a 5150. I saw one of the guys get out of the rig and he had the label EMT on his back. It got me thinking...

I totally miss it. I miss the excitement of a call. I miss the camaraderie of the fire, police and EMS. I miss the second family; always having each other's backs and never EVER selling someone out. I miss the humor, the family of dozens of brothers. I miss the medical challenges, the coffee runs, the Code 3s, the totally inappropriate  jokes because sometimes it was truly better to laugh than cry. I miss the medical challenges, the feeling of helping someone on the worst day of their lives. I miss being with a partner who usually, because I was a young female EMT, would protect me and take control of the scene. I miss The Scene. The drama, lights, adrenaline. I miss how my partners knew every single possible fast food joint within a twenty mile radius and had nicknames for all of them; usually disgusting. I miss the magic of NarCan :-) I miss radio codes and universal precautions. I miss the time I was on a call at 2am and grabbed a map to locate the place we were going...and my partner's horrified tone when he said "you do not need to rotate the map upside down, Destiny". I miss the 24 hour station in Oakland where we were told to sleep below the  (barred) windows to protect ourselves from drive by shootings. Wowah. 

The feelings of the things I do not miss prevail. I do not miss the calls with kids involved. The spitting and swearing of someone who's high we wrecked by saving his life with medicine. I don't miss the CPR that never worked. I don't miss living in parking lots, nor the call that comes in at 7:45am when I'm off at 8am. I don't miss identifying a little too much with the young blond woman who died in a tragic MVA. I don't miss talking to the 18 y/o dead guy from a GSW -  about why his life had gone so wrong and that I had hoped he was in a much more peaceful place. I don't miss the anxiety.

When EMS is in you, it's always in you. I don't know anyone in EMS who would disagree. It will always be in me. And that scene the other day in the coffee shop got me thinkng.

Hmm...

My Brother

My brother is wonderful. Not only does he answer me in texts simply by saying "Wurd" (spelled as such), but he really is a very special guy. He is real. He is funny. He is witty and very smart. He is 6 foot 9 inches. And after several years, I finally learned what he actually does for a living (Chief of Engineering- still vague but better than telling people he made software parts).

We went for a hike together with Betsy Rue, his puppy, down in San Jose. He mapped out our course and emailed me a few trail choices last week. My brother also is a planner and he thinks ahead. He learned that from our dad. I chose the tougher trail- I was up for it and am somewhat of an experienced hiker. We rocked it. He let me borrow his hiking pole, which after I bent over it and grabbed my back like an elderly woman (making him laugh), actually proved to be a helluva asset. Without it, my thighs would have been screaming. More than they were.

I knew when we reached a communication tower that we had hiked high. We had hiked well and we had hiked high. I followed my brother's lead by learning from him how to use the hiking pole and when to take breaks. We both had times when we were out of breath- the only sound between us the digging of our poles and our feet in the trail moving in unison. It was great.

Siblings are the only people who really know what it was like to be raised in our families. My brother and I both spoke of my dad a few times; something we thought he'd say or perhaps would have done. We saw a quail and my brother said "them good eatin's, as dad would say...". I never heard my dad say that. My brother was a lot closer to my dad and it is wonderful to learn more about him through my brother.

I am not going to get overly analytical or emotional about the hike. I could- easily. Suffice it to say- it was very meaningful to me. It was special and unique and I would have done that whole loop again if it meant I could have spent more precious time with him.

Plus, I learned his Ford Raptor was made especially for him- over 6 months built to his specifications and then shipped to him from factory. Excuse me, but that seriously completes him as The Bomb. In my eyes.

A Brother is a Friend, Given by Nature.



Hi.

I noticed something today. My daughter is at an age where she says "hi" to absolutely everyone. She will make her rounds at a restaurant, stopping to wave and say "hi" to each waiter, customer and virtually anyone that will look at her. Even to people who do not look at her.

She made her way through our packed church lobby this morning waving "hi" at everyone. Evvveryone. There is a second story in the looby with a landing and my girl looked up, found a willing participant looking down over the lobby and waved at him until he saw her, smiled and waved back.

As her mommy, and as an adult somewhat acclimated to the social nuances of being an adult, sometimes- it's a little off putting. Most people love it. They absolutely light up at being SEEN. I have seen the saddest and most distant faces light up like a Christmas tree at being seen and waved at by a beautiful little girl. That's not what is off putting.

What is unslettling is those who look so dismal and even after being waved at and said hello to, continue to remain dismal. Not only does my daughter notice this and a shadow will cross her face as she decides to move on (which makes me sad) but I notice it. And it makes me think.

When do we stop seeing each other? When do we stop saying or even initiating a "hi" to someone? What age does that come when we think that not many people actually want to say hi to us? Is my daughter already noticing this? When will the light in her fade as she understands that not everyone will be delighted to hear from her? Some people will be scared, sad, uneasy, nervous, angry or even disappointed to hear from her. I think there is still a a part of me that loves saying "hi" to people. I hope that this light always remains in my daughter.

Children can teach us so much. To those you love, appreciate, find humor or delight in- please today say "hi". Take that communication leap and let them know that today, you SEE them.

I betcha you'll get a smile.

Adversity

Adversity? No, thanks. I'll pass. Oh wait-  I don't get a choice.

Sometimes, I just want to hit the Escape key. Some things feel too big to take. Some things feel too heavy, too burdensome, too scary, too unknown. I just had a birthday...and it occurred to me that I am no longer 19. When did THAT happen? And why do I still feel like I am? Does that feeling ever leave? Should it?

I don't want to deal with what I am facing. I want to throw a fit and yell until someone comes and helps me and takes it all away. In reality, sometimes I just want to Escape.

Personal Escape for me will look like this: prayer, meditation, runs and hikes, reading God's word and also reading The Hunger Games. God, I love that series.
It looks like writing poetry, blogging, escaping into music and in to all that is beautiful in my life.

Somewhere along those pathways, I pray I will begin to understand this life. And my purpose in it.

My strength is made perfect in weakness.  ~II Corinthians

The 4th

I don't know what I was thinking trying to go to bed early on July 3rd. I was laying here alone feeling hot and uncomfortable in no small part due to the fact that my back has been singed red compliments of Stinson Beach and my bathing suit. Just when I finagled into a manageable position, a fireworks show in the distance has started. I hear it right now. Loud, thunderous booms. Through the fog of my fatigue from a long ass day in the car and at the beach, and despite my minor irritation that I can enjoy all the loudness of the local fireworks show without the joy of actually SEEING it, I decided what the hell- I'm up anyway, let's have a little write.

I feel lucky. Lucky that all of those booms and threatening sounds in the future are because of our independence and our freedom from other oppressive nations. That in other parts of the world, similar loud sounds are being heard as a result of gunfire, bombs, war, crime and ultimately, of death. What an incredible paradox. And all I did was be born here. That's it. I've not worked for this freedom. But I certainly do enjoy it.

Just the other day I heard a news story of a group of women in another country who were ARRESTED for driving. Arrested! For driving!! The sense of independence I feel when I am driving a car is a sense some women in this world will never have the privilege of feeling.

I am lucky to choose to gather and worship in a service to honor my God and Lord. Millions of people have been and continue to be imprisoned and murdered for their similar actions or even for their stated desires to do the same thing I am able to do without persecution.

So as I try to figure out how to twist my arms backwards to get this damn aloe vera "cooling" gel on my lobster back, I must admit: I am feeling lucky tonight.
God Bless you and God Bless America.

Having Heart

When I was 19, I was sitting in lecture during EMT academy when out of nowhere, my heart began to race. I notified one of the fire fighter instructors who took me in another room and started to work me up (medical term for taking vital signs, etc). My heart rate converted itself back to a normal rhythm after a few minutes which felt like a gigantic surge of adrenaline, a flip flop in my chest and then normalcy. I'd never felt anything like that before.

I have, however, since. Many many times. I've been on medicine for it, been to the ER for it, had it affect my life in multiple ways, etc. What I have is paroxysmal sinus ventricular tachycardia, or SVT. It's fairly common. It sucks. Multiple things can affect it and I know what I can avoid and how I can help it. But that does not change the fact that it can come out of nowhere, at any time in my life.

I've learned to be scared of it. Scared of my heart. And for someone that never misses a metaphor, how could I ignore that one (rolls eyes)? I don't like the feeling of my heart racing...I used to avoid things like running and exercise because I could feel my heart pounding. That's a fear-phase I worked out of several years ago.

Tonight I went for an invigorating bike ride. I came to a stop sign and paused to grab some water from my pack. I noticed my heart. It was pounding in my chest from the ride. But it was a normal hard cadence; a well earned rhythm from hard work and exertion. In those few minutes, while I rested and enjoyed the hills around me on the trail that coasted through the sunset, I thought about that. Some things can be terrifying. But those very same things- when understood and worked hard for, can be incredibly rewarding and comforting. After all, the feel of my heart beating in my chest is the feel of LIFE. It is the source of my life. It is what causes blood to course to the hands that hold and care for the most precious gift in my life; my daughter. It is what causes the blood to course to my brain which allows me to dream, think, imagine and maybe sometimes obsess (a little ;-) ). My heart is what fuels my capacity for compassion, adventure, fierce love and friendship.

It felt good: feeling my heart tonight.

Titles

Someone emailed these words to me today pretty much out of nowhere. There was no subject line, no intro, no discussion. Just these words.

Perfect.

To let go does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow other persons to affect their own destinies.

To let go is not to fix but to be supportive.

To let go is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is to fear less and to love more.

When you love someone deeply, letting go is incredibly hard.

But I realized I must let go, for I do not own what I love.

                                                                        -Helen Grace Lescheid

The title to my blog finally has come to me. I have been waiting. And here it is: The Land in Between. To understand it, watch this sermon, given by video from a guest preacher, Jeff Manion at Cornerstone Fellowship. Get comfy, curl up on your couch and watch this. Though I am not familiar with Jeff and found his style to be slightly less to my liking, his message was impeccable.

The Land in Between

It's Lovely, This Land

I want you to know, I noticed you today. I knew you were with me...and in such a remarkable way. I was out on my own (which I know I shouldn't be...) on a hike. I had planned a route for myself but I was tempted. I came to a fork in the trail and saw a very steep path leading up and around a bend. Something about me: I will always take the hard road that rewards me in the end with a view. Hmm...sounds like a life metaphor waiting to happen.

This path was so so steep- I started to actually engage in self-talk to encourage myself to go all the way up. I just knew something great awaited me; if even just the satisfaction that I had chosen to make it. I got to the summit and it was breathtaking. 360 degree views stretching two counties and as a sweet cherry on top, an unobstructed view of the waxing moon. The breeze kicked up and I felt like floating. I was listening to my iPod and decided to find a song to compliment the beauty and awe of nature I felt around me. I prayed a silent prayer: "God, I am listening. Bring me to a song that you would like to have meaning for me in this moment".

One second later, the song had been chosen. It was the song I always choose when I want to feel close to you. It is a song you loved and that you would know in the first few notes. It is a song God chose for me, from you, to hear at that moment when all of my thoughts had settled and room was in my mind to encompass you.

So I listened. And I cried. And I smiled. I felt the breeze and imagined it was you touching my hair; talking to me; counseling me. You are always on my mind. Time has not healed the wounds. I do not think it ever shall. I took a picture to capture my view in that moment. It's below and does little to show everything that I saw.

I kept hiking. I saw ahead a few people who had come up from the other side of the trail, sitting and talking. Because I am constantly testing fate, I decided that perhaps another amazing coincidence would happen. I silenced my iPod and as I walked by them, one of them said something pretty much exactly as you would have. It was even about something you used to talk about. That was good enough "proof" for me.

You were with me today. In fact, I am constantly reminded that you are with me always. This picture and these lyrics, from your song, are for you- Dad.

Almighty Freedom
Almighty freer of the soul
Be free
Walk with me
Through the golden fields
So lovely
Lovely

We regret our sins, but...
We sew our own fate and
Under my face I remain feeble
Under my face, I smile

Aaahh)

Even alone/afraid
Under my face I will be waiting

Run with me now soldier of Rome
Run and play in the field with the ponies
Run with me now soldier of Rome
Run and play in the field with the ponies
Run with me now soldier of Rome
Run and play in the field with the ponies
Run with me now soldier of Rome
Run and play in the field with the ponies

Almighty Freedom
Almighty freeer of the soul
Be free
Be free
And imagine
Free with peace at last
It's lovely
It's lovely, this landNo one can believe or understand
How far I came just for my lovely family
I should have been there
with them when the world crashed down
But now they rest with me.

I'll never forget
How I felt that moment
I became free.

Love Letter

You are the person I live for. You are the person who wakes up, rubs the sleep out of your eyes, reaches out your warm arms to me and hugs me tighter and with more genuine love and adoration than any other pair of arms ever have for as long as my memory takes me.

When I focus on your eyes, and you lock yours on mine, I see the world. I see your world and I see mine. What was my world before I knew you? It was an inwardly directed selfish life. My days were filled with what I knew or what I hoped would make me happy. Sometimes I truly can’t believe how I filled my time. My life now is consumed with what will make you happy. Every decision I have to make about our life together is all about you. And I love you so much for that. I love you for bringing purpose, growth, pain, joy, adoration and the truest deepest love I have ever known to my life.

I delight in your happiness. I am crushed at your pain. I am consumed with worry: are you feeling ok/developing well/happy/thirsty/hungry/bored? I don’t know how to be anyone else for you. And I don’t want to be.

If there is one thing in this world that I know. Simply: One Thing. It is that I love you, daughter, with all of my heart and all of my soul. That love will never wary. You are my princess. You are my life. I will fiercely protect you for as long as God gives me time on His earth to do so. I have no other words.

Thank you for choosing me to be your mother. It is and will always be my greatest achievement and my greatest honor.

~Momma

It's Been Awhile...

...since I have had such a fulfilling, complete and thought provoking weekend. And because of these things, very challenging.

I attended a 2 day Christian Women's Conference with a dear friend. By the end of the conference- actually during the very last worship song, we were dissolved to tears and just clinging to each other. I know that makes it sound like the whole thing was emotional but really, it wasn't. I think it was just that we had taken in so much, explored so many layers of our selves and marinated in God and his grace for 2 full days that we were simply wiped out.

Now that I have had a day and a half to absorb...I want to relay a few things that stuck out to me. Since I am a super-nerd, and I love to study and learn, I made notes :-D.

These are snippets of fabric from the big quilt that was this conference. They may make no sense to you, as my reader, out of context with my life. But they sure mean a lot to me. What I highlighted in bold lettering is the main idea that stood out to me, with the surrounding description as the supporting detail.

~Theme verse of the conference: Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Yes, yes...and yes.

~When I am in a "FUNK", it can look like this: F: Focus is off and Feelings prevail. U: I am Under the problem and not above it. N: I am needy and whiny. K: I am Keeping the cycle going.
Consider this: how would you feel if you knew God was ALWAYS guiding you?

~Steven Tyler said: "I want to make compassion the new black". I love this. So much.

~One of the speakers was talking about how sometimes you know a couple where both the man and the woman just seem to fit perfectly. My friend laughed and looked at me...which kinda made me think she was thinking of me and my husband. I sure was. The speaker likened those couples to "Tupperware", where the lid and the container...just fit. I loved that visual. So simply romantic. So simply beautiful. How lucky I am to have found my Tupperware. Talking to other people in my life can and does often feel so friggin difficult. Like pulling teeth...or like torture. Talking, real talking with my husband is...easy. It always has been. I think that is why there are no divides between us. No secrets. Because it would be like keeping a secret from yourself.

~Sinners don't change because we throw rocks. Oh boy...do I haul rocks. That is NOT good. I struggle with the fine balance of protecting my family and myself and having compassion for others. I am truly that person who will give you the shirt off my back. I don't say that with pride...because in most of my life, that has been used against me as a weakness. But throwing rocks, or being accusatory, punitive or confrontational to those who I believe have sinned against me will not change those people. Compassion does.

~Insidious and destructive behavior can slowly seep into our lives. We usually don't screw up 100% overnight. We do it by slowly, and over time, turning down the volume of our consciousness. Let me always remember to keep that volume high.

~Often times we wonder how we know if we are hearing the word of God. If it follows God's character and God's word, it is God speaking to our hearts. We must listen.

~Isaiah 30:21: I was once again led to my "life verse". I didn't know this was my life verse...because I didn't even know that was a term until this weekend. I heard that term a few times this weekend and thought to myself that it sure would be neat to choose a life verse. But how would I begin? Where should I look? A few hours later (and to go into the detail of how it happened here would be a whole nother blog...but trust me, it was gooood), I was once again drawn to my life verse. Isaiah 30:21. If you're not familiar, crack a Bible and check it out. It brings me absolute and untold comfort in my life.

~A fool is known by the multitude of his words.
Oh boy...so true. I am learning...listen more. Talk less.

Which brings me to a close.

It was a lovely time.
I am thankful.
I am blessed.

Calling

Today's sermon at church was so great that I had to scurry home and write about it. That is, after fixing my family lunch, putting away laundry, disciplining my daughter for her ever-increasing almost-two-years-old fits, and throwing a load in the wash. Ah...mommy-dom :-)

Calling. Today's sermon was about our calling. I L.O.V.E.D it. It made me laugh, and it actually made me tear up. Not the sermon part...but the part where my church displays the baptism of people on the screens inside the auditorium while they take place outside in the courtyard. Specifically, a brother and a sister about 8 years old, were baptised together. I was ok with it until they joined their arms at the elbow and went backwards down into the water together. Ya- that got me. Softie.

Anyway: calling. What's my calling? What would you do if you won the lottery? A man wins the lottery and calls his wife: "Honey, I won the lottery! Pack your bags!" The wife says "Great!! Warm weather or cold?" and the man says "I don't care, so long as you're gone when I get home" (I laughed at that part, too ;-)).

Three things stuck out to me today:
1) We discover our calling, we don't choose it.  I had to wrap my mind around that one, as I always thought a calling was what we chose. The Christian perspective really is that God has chosen for us and made us to be good at what will serve His purpose and kingdom. This may not necessarily be something we even enjoy or understand.
Before I met my husband, I had planned to join the Peace Corps. I had attended a meeting and was on track to join after earning my Bachelor's Degree, as this was something at the time that one needed to serve. It would have been a 2 year commitment in another country. As life has it, things changed and here I am. Not in a different country and not in the Peace Corps (not yet ;)). But at that time, I felt serving others was a calling for me. I still do. I feel it was something I discovered and it has not gone away over the last decade, though I have changed and time has passed.

2) Start thinking about the successes you have had over the course of your lifetime. Start with early achievements in childhood. This may be an indicator of what your calling is. I was a huge chatterer in my classes as a child. I made great grades but my teachers often commented that "Destiny socializes too much". If I heard the work "socialize" one more as a 10 year old, I swear...
So- I talk well. Additionally, I have been told I listen well. I also know I gravitate towards the walking wounded and people who need help. I love to help people. I had an all day work meeting at one of the hospitals I work for yesterday. I had to leave the conference rooms several times, as I was the organizer of the meetings. In the halls, patients would see me with my badge and ask me questions, of course not at all pertaining to my meetings. I really enjoyed helping the random patients and getting them where they needed to go. I loved it, actually. I loved being the person to help those in need. I don't work with the public and it was a great feeling to remember from the times that I used to. Helping.
I also love to read and I realllly love school. I am a huge school nerd. So...what would be a calling that involves: talking, listening, helping and education? Hell if I know... But at least I have a starting point!

3) What is the one limitation in your life that is the most painful for you to accept? If we can understand what we are not good at, we can begin to understand how to overcome this and flourish in what we ARE good at. This is one I think I am going to have to give some thought to. I have some ideas...but I mainly just wanted to share the question here to hopefully get my two readers (lol) thinking about that. It's a really great question and I think it can lead to some amazing answers and progressions in our lives.

One final note. The pastor completely missed a key point. During the sermon, there rang out two people's cell phones. I thought it was the PERFECT opportunity to say that was their 'calling'. But alas, it was missed. Dangit :)

Some really great dude once said "Know thyself". That would be my father (and Socrates but let's not be so specific here...). It's true. A combination of knowing oneself and in being open to prayerful consideration of what our Maker has in store for our calling and purpose is a perfect blend to our happiness and being productive members of society.

"Know thyself" in ancient Greek, public building in Germany.

Remembered

I've thought of so many things to write about lately but nothing has actually inspired me to do so. Today my mind wandered again, as it so often does and I decided it was time to get it out.

It's not often I can remove myself from my life, my circumstances, my stresses and dramas and decisions. But sometimes, when I get out of my head- I can think from a detached place of what my future may hold and what that means for me now. Often, it's depressing to me so I try not to do it too much :-) But...it's fascinating nonetheless and I think it can have great impact on how I live my life if I can learn from it and let it change my future.

The depressing stuff: in 100 years, I will be gone. Maybe sooner but I'd like to not think by too much :-) I will be gone and the people I love the most will be gone. My daughter will likely be gone. My grandchildren may be gone. That's crazy to me. It's crazy to me that anyone and everyone I have ever touched with my love or my humor or my work will be gone. It's freakin depressing, too. I thought of this today as I noticed a home for the elderly off of the freeway. I thought about myself someday in a home for the elderly and assumed that would mean I was elderly. Can I become elderly? Shit, I guess I can. Wow. How bizarre. And we know what happens after elderly........and that's where my mind went.

What's it all mean? Does it mean I can somehow try and forge a name for myself that goes beyond just the closest people I love? Can I be remembered for other good deeds and acts that will go down through the decades perhaps to strangers and people I will never come to know? I'd like to think so. And I have a few ideas about that.  :-)

Or...will I pass through this Earth and this life like the sand that fell through my fingertips today while I was at the beach? When I die and when my daughter dies, will anyone still talk about my father who left us three years ago? Is that just how life is...and if so, what and how does it serve a greater plan?

It's so strange to think about these things and then think "Ok then, what's for dinner?". From such macro concepts to such daily micro concepts. But isn't it a compilation of all of those micro concepts that create our life? When I get lost in the micro concepts and the dramas, it is useful to me to think about the greater life. My dad used to tell me that there isn't a person who hasn't felt what I was feeling in the past or a person some time in the future who won't experience what I was experiencing. It would somehow always make me feel like a greater collective; and feeling part of a greater and a bigger thing always soothed me. It still does.

Another very big lesson I learned about life was when my father passed away. In the days after his death, I felt like I was stuck in time. I was stuck in this horrible and cruel joke. Time stood still. We all went into action to take care of all the details you take care of when someone passes. There was a time when I noticed: the world didn't stop. I was in jell-o...but the world was still going. Meetings at my work were still happening without me. People were still stopping at red lights and going at green ones. Food was still being served at restaurants. Bills still had to be paid. Oh my God. The world was so cruel.

In the end, it made me more compassionate. People are around us EVERYWHERE stuck in jell-o. A family death, a breakup, a divorce, a job loss...you name it. People are suffering around us. It's not just all.about.us..

The experiences of the greater collective; the sufferings and the joys- bring us to our generation. I feel a camaraderie with people I see sometimes. Old people and new babies. These people are sharing the same space, time and experiences in this life and Earth as I am. That's pretty special. At least I sure think it is.

I feel God eventually reveals everything we need to know if we sit in the stillness and let Him. When He does, it is then in our hands to decide how to handle the given situation with the information that we have.We can learn from what we have been taught and move into action...or we can choose to ignore it and continue treading water in the same circumstance. We have free will. We can only do what we can do with the resources and knowledge we are given. That's one of my answers: wait for my purpose to be revealed. And when it is...go into it head on and with full intention. I have had a bit of that recently and it involves greater education so that I can serve my purpose. I am scared of that; it will change my life and I thought my life was pretty sweet and comfy as is. :-)

But stagnant and happy are often places of attraction for change from the Universe. Time to shake it up. Time to be remembered. Time to make an impact.
                                                     Time to be more than sand in the wind.

A Glimpse

There is so much positivity; so much beauty around. So many things have delighted me and made me fulfilled as of late. I am so fortunate.
Here are a few things, today- that have made me one happy little lady. Of course- there must be a quote and there must be a song. That be me, for ya.

"It is better to keep one's mouth shut and be thought a fool

than to open it and resolve all doubt." 

This quote by Abraham Lincoln made me laugh out loud. What a smart, ingenious fella.

~~~

I heard this song on KFOG today and learned it is by Muse, one of my new older favorites. It's interesting to hear the concept of "saving someone" from a man. Women are so known for this that it's obnoxious. And over rated. Saving someone is impossible. I know someone who recently told me he's kind of that guy- very attracted to the walking wounded woman. This one's for you, amico (and it's just a crazy-sick joint!):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8OOWcsFj0U

~~~

I planted some bulbs in my garden. The concept of planting these flowers now and the reaping their beauty in the summer thrills me. Like a package waiting to be opened but needing water and nurture before it can make it's true presence known. I loooooove gardening. I also planted some fresh herbs which I can't wait to chop up and use in cooking. I love to create: plants where there were none, food where there was also known. Creation is beauty.

~~~

Truly, I could go on and on and on of all the blessings I am feeling today. Peace, faith, health, spirituality, love, fulfillment...but I will close with this one. It's one I have noticed not only on the outside- in my home, and in my garden. But I have noticed it also on the inside of late. And thank God. Cuz things were getting pretty noisy in here.

Stillness. Less tv ... less obsessive mental chatter ... less worry ... less being said ... just more stillness.

Simple, pure, clear, stillness.

And Thank You God for that.

Thoughtlets

Today's day trip reminded me a lot of life. Sometimes, daily living and adventures can parallel the greatest lessons in life; like a whisper, those lessons dance into my day and leave me with thoughts.

We went out to the Golden Gate Recreational reserve and visited a few historic sites. I am reminded how much I love old abandoned buildings. I can feel the energy of people and events passed. It's a blessing sometimes to be removed from my present and transported into the energy of the past; filled with people with their own sorrows and joys- so many the same as us living today.

I start the journey with this picture I took from an old Battery location on the Coast. This is a location built in 1905 to protect the SF Bay Area from warships and to fire cannons from which could reach as far as 8 miles out to see. I was transfixed by this door. What's inside? Who passed through these doors over 100 years ago? What conversations were had by these doors? I imagined the smell of cannon powder, perhaps cigarette smoke. How long ago were these doors shut to the world? And who was the person who finally shut them - forever...? Did he know he was shutting these doors forever?

Do we know when we have shut doors forever by our actions; the things we say, the things we do? Will someone someday be standing at those big heavy steel doors that we shut- wondering... what happened to you? What is inside? 

Ohhh...how I loved this next one. A narrow stairway up led me to this small room with several of these windows. This obviously faces the Golden Gate bridge. There is the same space to the right of this picture and two more behind, all facing out to see and north, up the coast. This small room must have been for armed fire by soldiers. This particular window reminded me so much of myself. Look through the window. See the perfect beauty outside- the picturesque hillside, the bridge, the lush trees. Then look at the jagged and ruined edges through which you are viewing such beauty. Like this window, I often view beauty in the outside world through a jagged edge; my perceptions, my bad experiences, my prejudices, my judgments...simply, my mankind. My own constructs. And those constructs can be confined to a small room where I only have windows to look out to the beauty. Have your perceptions of the beauty around you ever been confined to a small space in your mind and viewed through your jagged perceptions of life? The beauty is out there. No matter how, or from where, we look at it.

Point Bonita Lighthouse. I took this picture off of the rail of a small bridge and after about .5 mile from the parking lot. Point Bonita Lighthouse came to this location in 1877. It is still a functioning and maintained lighthouse. The suspension bridge does not allow for tourists and needs to be reinforced. This was about as close as we could get. Straight down is steep and intimidating cliff side. I have always loved me a good lighthouse. I think they are so romantic. Weird, right? They do hold some lore in American culture: the lonely wife pacing the lighthouse waiting for its' beam to guide her sailor husband home. Never knowing if he will come home from sea or if in fact he is still alive. It's the welcome warmth and refuge for men and women who have been away too long and a signal of protection from the dangerous cliffs of the coast. It is both a warmth and a protection. It is masculine in this way yet also feminine in it's longing. It is, as it's name says, beautiful.

To get to the lighthouse, part of the walk involves this tunnel. Yeeeesh, huh? Very dark (somehow I caught some good light in this picture), wet and dripping from the top throughout. Very eery. Not a place to chill at night in my book. But through this tunnel, the incredible beauty in this picture above. Ah- now isn't that a not-so-hard-to-figure-out parallel to life? Through the dark, dank, damp, dreary, scary, places of our minds we can be transformed to see the light, the beauty, the warmth and the welcoming of love and of sheltered protection. What is your light house? And what dark and looming tunnels will you need to traverse to get there...?

And finally, this. My new best statue sea lion friend. Hope s/he liked blond hair for lunch :-).

Where do your large iron doors lead? What are they keeping locked in- or...locked out? How do you look at life: all of its' beauty through a jagged window? Or face-to-face, ready for what it has to bring and outside of the small rooms of your mind? Do you have a beautiful light and warmth emanating from you to the people you love, as the lighthouse above? Are you a place of protection, warmth and refuge?

And finally, what tunnels do you need to pass through to reach any of these things? Tunnels of the mind, the body or the spirit? I encourage you to think about starting to walk through them. They are looming, foreboding, intense, dark. They are scary and unknown, full of twists and turns. 

But one step leads to the next. And before you know it, you are walking through- perhaps even sprinting.

In the end and on the other side...transformation awaits.

To Sing

There are some songs I truly love to sing. I have always loved music and I have always loved to sing. I think, as I get older- I am sounding better. That's curious to me. What I would love to do behind a mic. Maybe I will get that chance.

This is one of the songs I absolutely love to sing. It is meaningful, it is profound, it is simple and it is beautiful. It's right in my range, both the main vocals and the harmony. I always go for the harmony- I like the challenge :-D

This song is written from a man's perspective. An older man who has just lost his wife of 40 years and is coming home from her funeral. While I can't necessarily relate exactly to this, I can appreciate the humble nature of this man's thoughts and his deep grief and regret. I can appreciate that sometimes, we forget to see each other. I appreciate that this song is real; that it's about two people who have loved and lived, regretted and turned away.

I aspire to love better than this song...because after all, "Ain't nothing left at all in the end of being proud, With me riding in this car, and you flying through the clouds".

Truer Words...

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.  ~James D. Miles

 

I love this.

No long explanation. That is all.



Two Trees

Below is what I like to think of as an Insta-Blog. It's when I get something, or think of something and I know for sure that I need to process it and write about it. And now that I have a blog...well...whatta perfect place to do that.

So I got this quote in an email from someone. It was an answered prayer- a note truly from the mouth of God. I have since shared it with friends, re-read it many many times and now am writing about it. Simply put, it is incredible.

“Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.” ~Louis de Bernieres

What resonates with me about this quote:

• The idea of all that love is not. All that love is not is passion/excitement/breathlessness. Any fool can do this. No one really talks about all that love is not. Just all that it is.
• The idea that one in love must ultimately come to a decision. That is so so SOO true. The passion of love will always subside. And when it does, the decision must be made.
• The idea that it is inconceivable that the person who you are in love with and you should ever part. Inconceivable. Not likely, or maybe, or sad or scary. Inconceivable. Like losing a limb. Simply inconceivable. That is love. There should be a Hallmark card that says that. It's perfection.
• The idea that love is what is left over after all has faded away. And it does. And it will. Love is what is left. Love is everything that is left.
• The idea that love is the ultimate and eternal entwining of tree roots. The tree to me is the ultimate symbol of perfect life. It always has been. I love to be near a tree, to stare at a tree, to be under a tree, to be on a tree and to listen to a tree. They are everywhere and yet each one is significant beauty and ultimate perfection. As is, I believe, love.
• The fact that the author used the word promulgation. I appreciate that word. "You had me at promulgation". :-)
• The fact that love is work. Doesn't that seem counter-intuitive? What? Love is work? I thought all the work was in getting someone to love you and then the work is over? Nope. Wrong. Fail. Finally having someone to love you means you have another person willing to work the rest of their lives with you to continue to want to love you. It's a choice; not a sand pit one falls into and can't ever climb their way out of. That's not love. Love is a willing and conscious choice. Everyday that choice must be made. Or not made.

I'm not sure this would have made sense to me several years ago. I might have thought that I'd soak up the passion and breathlessness and early years of love while I could and leave the rest to the old folks. But I have learned so much and grown so deeply in the last several years and can't begin to describe the meaning this quote has for me. I get it now. A tree may lose it's leaves during a storm. It may have branches that snap off, or even parts of its' very trunk that are damaged, depending on how harsh the storm it has to weather. But that tree will not be swept away if the roots go deep and strong (unless it's a really bad tornado but stick with me here, people...). The analogies are endless. My how life is but an imitation of nature.

I guess... I am now the old folk. If that means I am wiser and I am more aware of what love truly is, and what love truly is not, then I am grateful.

At the Table

Last night I attended a retirement dinner for the CEO of my company. He is retiring after 36 years. He is an accomplished, kind, brilliant man. And he gave me a warm smile and hug last night and welcomed me to his party.

He read during his speech the first stanza of the poem below.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream -- and not make dreams your master;
If you can think -- and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings -- nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run --
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And -- which is more -- you'll be a Man, my son!

I welled up with tears. I felt that God put me in that moment to hear those words from someone I have always admired. I did not go to the dinner last night because I hold any great position in my company. I did not go because people I knew were going. I in fact went alone. I went last night because I will miss this man. I have been with my company going on 13 years and I consider that to be one of my biggest accomplishments. I have worked in medical records, reception, I've done cpr and comforted hundreds of people in crisis in the er and in our psychiatric hospital. And now I have the great pleasure of supporting senior level executives and physicians. I am blessed and I love my company.

The poem above by Rudyard Kipling can take a lifetime to understand and accomplish. And since I have gone 31 years without seeing it before, I've got some catching up to do. A few lines in particular hold meaning to my life right now:

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

I think the hardest thing in betrayal is not learning to trust others. It is learning to trust yourself and also understanding another's doubt.

And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

There are moments when I feel I have nothing left. Whether it be a physical, emotional or intellectual challenge. But in this life, we don't get the choice of quitting. At least I don't acknowledge that choice. It is not an option. Holding on is the only choice.



If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you

Ok how is that even possible? Definitely a poem writting by a man for a man :-) I guess in this line, I want to say that it sounds wonderful. It sounds utopian of sorts to breeze through life not letting anyone hurt us. But is that really the measure of a Man? I would be willing to venture that it is most definitely not. I understand Mr. Kipling is likely eluding to the idea that we can only be hurt by someone if we allow it. But I believe the measure of the depth of my care for someone exemplifies how much they can hurt me. If you are a foe, you cannot hurt me. What makes me have the capacity to love is the vulnerability that my love allows for hurt. If I care about someone, they can hurt me. If I don't, they can't. I am not sure I ever want that to change.

Last night the honoree was surrounded at his table by his wife, two children, his assistant and his wife's family. Sitting next to him was not his closest colleague, nor his boss (if he had one), nor his best friend. Sitting next to him were the people in his life he cherishes the most. His family. I respected him 1,000 times more as I saw pictures of him raising his family; hiking Half Dome, hiking Mt Whitney and taking an 8 day camping trip through the Colorado Rapids. This is a man who achieves what he believes. I am sure he has had pitfalls and miss-steps and that he has been wrong a time or two in his life. But he has achieved being a father of two beautiful grown children. He has achieved being a man who built a sleepy community hospital in the 1970's into a premier hospital system that spans the East Bay and is nationally recognized. He has achieved being a husband.

I began to examine my metaphoric retirement table. Who it sitting with me? Who is missing? Who is at your retirement table? Who, at the end of your career, do you want celebrating your life with you? My answers came to me very clear.

I knew at once that the road to that table will be long and hard. I will have a few Half Domes thrown in and a Mt Whitney or two. But back to Mr. Kipling: "If" I can trust in God and in myself, "If" I can 'hold on', "If" I can be vulnerable then my table will once again be filled with love, life, laughter, celebration, family and achievement.

Thank you and congratulations, Mr. Anderson.